Rollin in my six fo'

What the fuck does that say? I'd love to make fun of it but I have no fucking clue what it says. So here's the deal- someone figure out what the deal is here and get back to me so I can do this thing correctly. Sick.

Sixty-four is:

• In some computer programming languages, the size in bits of certain data types
• In chess or draughts, the total number of black (dark) and white (light) squares on the game board
• 64 is the name of the premier Russian chess magazine
• The code for international direct dial calls to New Zealand
• The designation of US Interstate 64, a freeway from Missouri to Virginia
• The designation of U.S. Route 64, a highway from Arizona to North Carolina
• The subject of the Beatles song "When I'm Sixty-Four"
• The registry of the U.S. Navy's aircraft carrier USS Constellation (CV-64)
• The number of Braille characters in the old 6-dot system
• In 8-bit home computers, a common shorthand for the Commodore 64
• In video games, the Nintendo 64 video game console and (historically) the Commodore 64. Since 1996, the number 64 has been an abbreviation or slang for Nintendo 64 (though N64 is more common)
• The maximum number of strokes in any Chinese character
• Number of hexagrams in the I Ching
• Number of sexual positions in the Kama Sutra
• Number of demons in the Dictionnaire Infernal
• Slang term referring to a 1964 Chevrolet Impala, often configured as a lowrider, a popular subject among early-90's gangsta rap and today very popular in Dirty South H-Town rap, eg. by rappers such as Paul Wall, Mike Jones, etc.
• The number of classical arts listed in many Indian scriptures. They include: singing, dancing, painting, poetry, playing cards, making arguments, making flower garlands, etc.

It is, however not an acceptable number for a Sabres jersey. Unless you happen to be David Moravec who played in an astounding ONE game for the Sabres in the 99-00 campaign rollin in his six four.

Yo, PAGE me bro!

This shit sucks. I mean. Wow. I just caught a sick glare off of those cheap, shiny, dogshit screen printed numbers. Ironically, 1985 was the last time you could pound your velcro Roos on the pavement wearing shit like this and not get garbage thrown at you. I just plain don't like this fucking thing. We all know 85 is first and foremost a football number.(all apologies the the great Petr Klima) If it wasn't long sleeved you would think it was a fucking Jack Youngblood jersey. You know, with PAGE on the back instead. Except Jack Youngblood recently placed 1st among all athletes to ever wear the number 85 by SI.com. Page recently placed 1st among the other Applebee's bus boys in his fantasy hockey league on SI.com. not much of a difference, but worth mentioning.

This time on Kulpa's Secret Stashe................

Now this is a move I can get behind. Just think about it for a second. What is Max's biggest problem? He seems to be too fucking fast for his own good. A stash like this could add enough drag that he could actually finish. It's like having a tiny parachute screwed to the back of your skull. The added benefit is that this is one of the most terrifying mustaches in history. (behind only Hitler or possibly Wilford Brimley) That combined with Max's deep, rumbling Russian timbre is downright hard as fuck. I mean dude's name is Maksim Sergejevič Afinogenov. If you ran into a motherfucker with a name like that any time before 1991 you would totally expect to be drugged, flown to a gulag and have your ballbag hooked up to a Volga battery. What's more is my man's not afraid to tho dem thangs if he gots to. Remember when he straight up flipped that dude over? Anyway, get with the program Max. We need you to grow this fuckin soviet push broom A.S.A.P. До свидания.

Hit him up at www.carlesswhiskers.com

sickjerseybro.com presents..........

This time in Keeter's Corner we explore #13 "Rompy".....

One time I worked at a car wash and I told this guy I would call him “iceman” if he would restock the ice every morning. You know how many times I actually called him iceman? Zero. You know how many people refer to this guy as “rompy”? ONE. That person being “rompy”. Bro, when that dude at work told you he’d give you a “cool” nickname if you would not tell anyone he asked you to borrow a dong bag so he could slay the intern on his lunch hour, he was making fun of you. Nothing like perpetuating a joke about yourself that you aren’t even cool enough to be in on.

NEWS ALERT!!!!!

My friends Keeter and Kulpa are gonna add some flavor to this bullshit blog. So look out for some really beautiful happenings. K dawg is gonna do Keeter's Korner, and Kulpa is gonna do his "secret stashe". If you were smart you would read it. If you were a god damn genius, you would get it tattooed on you .

Hide the women and NONGILLOC the doors.

I just don't even know what to say. Nongilloc sounds like either the name of a great leader of a newly discovered nomadic cro-magnon clan or a shitty transformer that never made it past the Hasbro focus groups. As far as the 96, well who the fuck knows? Maybe it's an homage to NHL '96 from EA sports. I hope not- '94 for genesis is the best hockey game ever made and everyone knows it. Possibly it celebrates the glory and the majesty of the '96 Atlanta Olympics. I like to believe it celebrates the fact that humans share 96% of their genetic code with chimpanzees. I believe what we see here is an example of the majestic Slug-fronted North American Hominidae Nongilloc. He exists somewhere in the twilight between man and chimp- living only to slake his simple, primitive thirst with cheap draft beer and mark his territory the only way his brain has yet devised- "customizing" a Sabres jersey. Notice the telltale striping along his elongated fore arm...........................dammit! He slipped away back into the dark primordial mists of the chip strip!

The results are in! Again!

Unlike Florida or Michigan, here at SJB your votes count!
The most unacceptable retired number to get on your Sabers joint is as follows:
Pat Lafontaine 54%
Tim Horton 37%
Rick Martin 7%
René Robert 3%
Danny Gare 0.00%

The big surprise for me here is the ice fucking cold Danny Gare response. While not having giant numbers, he hustled his balls off and his number is retired as shit. Not one vote? Really. You guys are cold. I also have my suspicions that the Tim Horton vote is mainly based on a confusing blend of delicious coffee and human blood streaked across the QEW. For 90% of Sabres fans under the age of 35, telling Robert and Martin apart is about as important as knowing the difference between Peter Lawford and Joey Bishop. All anyone gives a shit about is the chairman of the board. And seriously, Patty LaLaLaLaLaLaLaLafontaine is just a stone cold man. My friend Crystal actually got a pic with him after a game a long time ago. He was wearing sweats and he had a visible, full on boner. That's how much he loved the game- he played at all times with a total robo chubber. A winner in any contest.

Stop looking around, we've found him.

Who would have thought that out of all the fathers in the U.S. (66.3 million) that the #1 dad is a Sabres fan? After conferring with Prof. Dmitry Panchenko (instructor of 18.443 Statistics for Applications at M.I.T.) I've discovered that's a 1 in 66.3 million chance. You actually have the same statistical probability of laughing at the Craig Ferguson show. The issue here for me isn't the jersey per se, (although it sure sucks) but the concept of #1 dad merchandise in general and even more the dude who proudly rocks it. 99% of all dudes rocking the #1 gear are clueless blue collar shlubs who got a shitty mug (or tie, medium sweatshirt, etc.) for Christmas. For Joe lunchpail it might as well say "shark rapist"-they've never read the goddamn thing and the Sanka tastes fine either way. However, a jersey is a touch more conspicuous. This guy wants you to know he is fucking number fucking one. He's made a conscious decision to broadcast this opinion via Sabres jersey to the millions of sub #1 dad masses. How do you quantify a thing like fatherhood? It's like saying I've got the #1 most mystical boner in the world. Actually, that's a bad example. After re-conferring with Prof. Dmitry Panchenko- at least one person agrees with me. My point is, if you were actually the #1 dad you probably wouldn't brag about it like a douche or you automatically lose the title. I would just personally enjoy a #4 dad jersey. At least a dad this in touch with his limitations is better prepared to raise kids that won't put something shitty like #1 dad on their own jersey in the future.

I'll let this one go.

I know, I know. There isn't a #77 on that Sabres and hasn't been since Chris Gratton. Unless this is some misguided Pierre Turgeon fan, all indications point to some dude putting his own name on this thing. (with a captain "C" no less) However my man gets a full pass because this is the sweetest fucking thing I've seen in a while. It's also kind of wrong to put a current or former player's name on a jersey that doesn't exist. This is exactly what the Sabres should do with the new jerseys. Fuck the slug. It's downright embarrassing. How can we make this happen immediately? God damn that looks excellent.

inappropriate tribute alert!

Oliver Cromwell (25 April 1599 – 3 September 1658) was an English military and political leader best known for his involvement in making England into a republican Commonwealth and for his later role as Lord Protector of England, Scotland and Ireland. He was one of the commanders of the New Model Army, which defeated the royalists in the English Civil War. After the execution of King Charles I in 1649, Cromwell dominated the short-lived Commonwealth of England, conquered Ireland and Scotland, and ruled as Lord Protector from 1653 until his death in 1658.

Cromwell was born into the ranks of the middle gentry, and remained relatively obscure for his first forty years, slipping down to the level of yeoman farmer for a number of years in the 1630s before returning to the ranks of the gentry thanks to an inheritance from his uncle. A religious conversion experience during the same decade made an Independent style of Puritanism a core tenet of his life and actions. Cromwell was elected Member of Parliament (MP) for Cambridge in the Short (1640) and Long (1640-49) Parliaments, and later entered the English Civil War on the side of the "Roundheads" or Parliamentarians.

A brilliant soldier (nicknamed "Old Ironsides") he rose from leading a single cavalry troop to command of the entire army. Cromwell was the third person to sign Charles I's death warrant in 1649 and was an MP in the Rump Parliament (1649-1653), being chosen by the Rump to take command of the English campaign in Ireland during 1649-50. He then led a campaign against the Scottish army between 1650-51. On 20 April 1653 he dismissed the Rump Parliament by force, setting up a short-lived nominated assembly known as the Barebones Parliament before being made Lord Protector of England, Scotland, and Ireland on 16 December 1653 until his death. When the Royalists returned to power in 1660, his corpse was dug up, hung in chains, and beheaded.

THIS MAKES ME WANT TO FUCKING BARF.

Listen. I know it's not a Sabres jersey but it is somewhat Sabres related- and we just beat the piss out of them so I ask you this: Can you even kind of believe this bullshit? It's like one of those Highlights for children pictures where you have to pick out things in a picture that are fucked up. Except in this picture everything is Jeff Conaway fucked up. This is the visual equivalent of huffing jenkem. Admitedly, I am supremely biased against the President* and the ass clowns that killed the Hartford Whalers, but look at this horse shit. Have you ever seen a larger gaggle of grinning, self satisfied, deluded mongoloids? The only real question I have is who gave Joe Camel the authority to hand anything to the President* of the United States? If he were to be cleared to do so the only thing being handed over should have been a mellow, satisfying box of Camel lights. And what the fuck is George laughing at? The fact that there is a statistically significant percentage of the dog population that could out preform him in any number of standardized intelligence tests? Fuck this whole fucking thing. I just want a picture of Ryan Miller handing a number 44 jersey to Barack Obama. Oh, wait thats Anderj Sekera's number. Actually, he would look great in a Sekera jersey. Because getting your own name on the back of a jersey is for losers. (as I make an "L" with my right hand and hold it up to my forehead)

*It is a substantiated fact that Bush stole the 2000 and possibly the 2004 election. If you don't think so, go get a bush jersey.

Is my jersey to bootylicious for ya babe?

This post has been edited due to a grievance filed by Reverend Guy. I now think the "bootylicious" jersey is just great.

Photo: Beez!

You want a team with more "grit"?

Then we need everyone on the whole team to grow these fucking things. My man Kulpa over at www.carelesswhiskers.com has imagined a dream scenario I think we and all embrace. Let's get a petition going to get every one of the Sabres to sport a Tom Selleck fattie so we can truly attain the "grit" fans and pundits alike seem to love so very much.

Mail bag bro!™

Time for a new segment here at sick jersey bro. Mail bag bro!™ As you know, I carefully sift through all reader submissions and love each and every one like the children i never knew I had and were then mailed to me. Our very first Mail bag bro!™ letter comes from Tim. He writes:

YOUR FAGGOT WEBSIGHT
fuck you you fucking faggot, what does your jersey say "complete queer", find me at a sabres game you pussy, yeah thats what i thougt

For all of the readers information, I contacted both Al Ross and Sorrentino's sports and both flatly refuse under any circumstances to put the name "complete queer" on a jersey. If they would it might look something like this:


I'll also say that I don't think the back of a Sabres jersey is the proper place for that kind of personal commentary unless "Kotalik" is some sort of gay pride slogan in the Czech Republic. If this is the case I'm sure the proud statement being made by many Sabres faithful is at the same time as accidental as it is courageous. In truth, my jersey says Tallinder. This is actually an ancient Norse word for "bestowed by Odin (Óðinn) with a unit that is not unlike a tube sock full of piping hot maple sugar oatmeal". Bear in mind that is a rough translation as English is sadly unequipped as a language to handle the brutal beauty of the ancient Norse tongue. Thanks for the thought provoking question Tim! So to everyone out there in SJB land, keep the comments and questions rolling in. More importantly keep the sick pics rolling in. I've already got some difficult decisions to make. Just make sure it's a sick jersey, bro.

The night has a thousand eyes!

Yes indeed it does and we see clear evidence here that at least two of those eyes were behind a camera at tonight's shootout loss to the Rangers. The Sabers let this one go but made a possibly crucial point towards the playoffs. On the other hand, my man Piatkowski (I think) made another point of his own. He doesn't give a shit about Drew Stafford. I know some of you will say "cut him some slack, you handsome devil." Maybe he got it before Drew got assigned to the big show. True enough. Then that means the doesn't give a fuck about Radoslav Hecl, Mike Hurlbut, Mark Astley, Scott Thomas, Christian Ruuttu, Richie Dunn, Claude Verret, J.F. Sauve, Dave Schultz, Ron Schock, Brian Spencer, Ron Busniuk, John Gould, Hugh Harris, Terry Ball, Larry Mickey, Larry Keenan, Paul Andrea, or Jean-Guy Lagace. One of the nineteen. you pick.

P.S. Identities have been masterfully computer altered to protect the innocent.

Photo: MB in the place to be.

Stay golden Ponyboys!

Once again, for your listening pleasure................I give you.....................A bunch of Japanese children that are most likely better than you at every single thing you can do. This includes classical music. Which, let's be honest- you suck at.

The results are in!

Unlike the hellish democratic primary process the votes here at SJB have been counted and a clear winner has emerged! With a delicious 43% of the vote- having your own name with an established number is the worst combination. In a close second is dried piss stain at 27%, own name own number at 16% and in a shocking last place finish: own name no number with 8%! You know what this means. I owe K-Man a slight apology. O.K. ......Here goes. Dude. Sorry about the K-Man blast bro. I guess it's not the worst thing you can do to a Sabres jersey. I'll give you the respect you deserve for not using say, Perreault or LaFontaine's number. I am not Pope level infallible and I'm secure enough to let the world know it. So to K-Man I say sorry, kind of, and congratulations on being the best of the worst!

The great debate rages on!

Since the inception of sick jersey bro i have read many angry emails and threads posted all over the place debating the self jersey issue. Let me be the one to set this straight. "Customizing" your jersey is first and foremost a personal choice much like enjoying brussels sprouts, a fondness for Thomas Kinkade's "light" paintings, or the recreational murder of the homeless. However, no one is 100% bad. Look at the good stuff Hitler did. Besides being perhaps the most evil human being ever he also invented the autobahn, was a vegetarian, and helped design the Volkswagen Beetle. So if I goof on your jersey get over it. It doesn't mean you are not a caring father or a good God fearing 'Merican. Get one if you want. Wear the shit out of it. With out you I have nothing to write about on my site. I personally find the "slug" jerseys one hundred times more unacceptable of a transgression than the self jersey itself. Of course, to me this means the self slug (with a vintage number) is like watching a horrible crime go down in public. I can not simply remain silent. I just report what is going on. However, continue the debate. I find it entertaining.
P.S. It's also important to realize it's a fucking joke, bro.

image credit: Some dude on the sabresspace.com forums

Merry Shelley's Frankenstien

Wow. Another Shelly. I'll begin by saying I can't substantiate any relation between today's Shelly and #32 DALESHELLY from a few days ago. I would love to irresponsibly speculate, though. These bros have to be tight. In fact, there is a good chance there is a whole clan of Shellys cruising around the HSBC munching dip n' dots and buying blank jerseys that they can then "Shelly up" later. The other slightly disturbing aspect of this submission is that dude is wearing a purse. I have it on good authority that it is in fact a dude. I took the picture. Now, he could be holding the purse for his girlfriend(and future Shelly) or possibly his current wife who is carefully removing nacho cheese from her Shelly jersey. The only other option is that we have discovered a dude named Shelly who carries a purse. Who also happens to not remember/thinks he is Pat LaFontaine. In either case, sick jersey shellbrah.

Check out Mütze rip that jam German style, bro.

He's shirtless. He's German. He's slaying the piss out of the Sabre dance. Khachaturian would be so proud. So here's to Mütze, the official shirtless German Sabre dance slayer of Sick Jersey Bro.

Quite the peculiar phenomenon indeed.

For some reason the number 11 seems to be very popular. Unfortunately it shouldn't be if your own name is tagging along. Now I don't know if this is the byproduct of ignorance or arrogance, but it must stop. Gilbert didn't score 512 goals and 814 assists for 1326 points in 1191 games so you could steal his thunder, Seymour. Let's do a quick comparison shall we?

Gilbert Perrault

• Tied for 70th for most games played with 1191.
• Holds franchise record for most goals and points with the Buffalo Sabres.
• Currently 30th in all-time goals scored.
• Currently 23rd in all-time assists scored.
• Currently 26th in all-time points scored.
• Won the Calder Memorial Trophy in 1970.
• Won the Lady Byng Memorial Trophy in 1973.
• Named an NHL Second Team All-Star in 1976 and 1977.
• Chosen to play in nine All-Star Games in (1970–71, 1971–72, 1973–74, 1974–75, 1976–77, 1977–78, 1978–79, 1979–80, 1983–84).
• Ranked number 47 on list of the 100 Greatest Hockey Players by The Hockey News.
  

Dude who uses #11

• Possibly played some hockey including buying the small plastic sticks at the Sabres store and making a ball out of a sock and duct tape.
• Has eaten every permutation of the main dish/2 sides combo at the Friday's near the mall.
  
• Avid WGR 550 listener and caller who still holds some animosity for Schopp and the Bulldog viciously snubbing his call during the "NHL hall of fame rejection committee"
• Most likely has adopted some Jim Rome lingo into his vernacular cleverly masking his own shocking lack of nicknames for Omaha and Cleveland.
• Currently holds four (expired) sneak preview passes to the hilarious Will Farrell comedy "Semi-Pro" that were obtained from some lady's cousin in accounts receivable.
• Remains distraught about his 1998 divorce from that cunt Kathy.
  

Clearly my main man Gil is as talented as he is accomplished and deserves the reverence and respect bestowed upon NHL hall of fame inductees and bad motherfuckers in general. If you still have a hard on for the number 11 put it on the side of your 2003 Hyundai Elantra and pretend you are Denny Hamlin. (I had to look that up) Wearing the number may also anger Santiago. For all I know he thinks it's his and won't stop short of a steak knife in the lungs to keep it that way.

Check out this sick jam, bro.

These dudes slay! Check out how laid back the lead ripper is. My man knocks insane 1960's trim up out the box! Go Sabres.

The Great One!

The initial appeal of this photo is that it looks kind of like one of those blurry sasquatch pics. It actually might be equally difficult to reconcile the belief in mythological humanoid bipeds as it is to believe someone had a ballbag big enough to use WAYNE GRETZKY'S motherfucking number. Forget the fact that the number is retired by every team in the league because my man fucking owned so hard. You should just know better. It's the same discerning cognitive ability that keeps most human from eating their own shit or not fucking their relatives. Or putting this on a Sabres jersey. Truly sick jersey, Morley.

Photo: B-Radical.

Proof that Darwin's theory was tragically flawed.

Well, well, well. I'll give this dude some slack. Firstly, his name is clearly Dale so NASCAR is most likely his main source of sport-ish entertainment. I'll even ignore the fact that the Sabres wearing red and black was one of the dumbest things to ever happen in Buffalo after the metro rail to nowhere-and this clown can't let the magic die. But putting your whole fucking name on the back of a jersey and using Rob Ray's number is like calling him night and day and begging him to cave your skull in till your I.Q. is below room temperature. Dude. Sick. Jersey. Bro.

Photo: Murderous Dave XXX

YOU GUYS WANNA SEE A TRAINWRECK?

Now I know this isn't exactly someone's name But this dude deserves his due. Holy flying fuck where do I even start with this asshole face? First off not being able to pick between Vanek and Afenogenov is just plain stupid. To do this with $155.00 is like wiping your ass with singles and making a shirt out of it. Plus it vaguely seems like a Soviet vagina reference. The only justice this retard gets is that wearing the jersey is it's own penance. Cheers, fuckface.

Photo: D-NICE

What do you think about '93?

When you think of 93 what does your mind conjure up? Are you like me and think of the Montreal Canadians winning their 24th Stanley Cup? Or do you think of White House counsel Vince Foster committing suicide? Possibly you see Colin Ferguson opening fire with his Ruger 9 mm pistol on a Long Island Rail Road train, killing 16 and injuring 29. What you should think when you see 93 is apparently Simmons. Not Russell Simmons or "Rev run" Joey Simmons, But HUGE Sabres fan #93 SIMMONS. Shit rocks.

THIS IS THE TARGET!

What you are looking at is a meticulous computer simulation of what the real Santiago's jersey looks like. It was submitted by huge Santiago admirer and former witness Billy G. Do not be mistaken and think I don't still need a real photograph. This is simply the sweaty rag you wave in front of the bloodhounds. Sightings seem centered around the Tops on Grant St. and radiate out as far as Chippewa St. If you party around there for Sabres games keep a keen eye peeled. For that matter, if you any suspicious self- jerseys feel free to send them in. P.S. Dude. Look at that fucking thing. I think my simulation was pretty spot on.

K-man is a dick.

What the fuck is that? You better be pretty fucking famous to pull that shit. A number on a jersey is by far the most important identification tool often superseding names and even logos. Not for the K-MAN. To prove the K-man isn't Madonna style one name famous i did some exhaustive research (google) and the only reference is as follows:

1. K-man

Function: noun
Etymology: Seinfeld (episode #17)
The Busboy

1a. Referring Cosmo Kramer
1b. Term used by Jerry on June 26, 1991 when talking to George.

JERRY: I just don't think you should go alone. Can't you wait till after my set?

GEORGE: It'll take to long.

(Kramer enters)

JERRY: Take the K-man. A little support..

GEORGE: (Unsure) I don't a..

KRAMER: Take me where? Where?

(Scene ends)

Photo: My main man Jersey Jay

Where in the world is Sabre Santiago?

Here's the deal people. This whole jersey thing started roughly a year ago during the playoffs. The Sabres had just won and we went to Colter Bay so my friend Mitch could smash pints of $5 beer all over yuppie loafers. After what seemed like an eternity an angel walked in. His name was Santiago. He had possibly the most fucked up jersey I've ever seen. First off, it was a white slug jersey. Secondly, it was number eleven. (if you don't know that number is retired for the great Gilbert Perrault) Third, it said fucking SANTIAGO on the back. As an added bonus, my man had sick moist curls. Anyhow, I snapped a mind bending photo reminiscent of Ansel Adams The Tetons and the Snake River (1942). Sadly, i have since lost the picture and have been searching to no avail ever since. SO. If you EVER see "Santiago" drop whatever you are doing (except remembering 9/11) and take a pic for me. God will reward you somehow. Above is an artists rendering of what the picture may have looked like.

DUDE. Sick jersey bro. Can I get a pic?

So i have an obsession with jerseys. Specifically hockey jerseys. Even more specifically Buffalo Sabres jerseys that people feel the need to put their own name on. I know what some of you will say. Who the fuck cares/ why the fuck should i care/what's wrong with that? Well, all I can say you is NOPE. This is my passion. So this is my simple, humble plan. I'm going to take pictures of all sorts of dipshits in awful Sabres jerseys and post them here. Enjoy. Unless you are one of the people with your own name on a jersey. In which case contact me, let me get a picture, then burn your jersey and pony up the cash for a jersey of a professional athlete who actually deserves the recognition. Or don't. It's up to you "the Goose".