Saturday, November 28, 2009

YEAHHHHH!!!!!!! uh, wait.

(For best results read while listening to Westside Connection's "Bow Down")

I received this email recently:

Howdy sir, love your site. I read about the WNY hockey expo coming to town this past weekend and clicked on a link to their site. There is a banner at the top with hilarity attached to it. I have attached that photo.


Now, I know the main focus of SJB is to knock on "customized" Sabres jerseys. However every once and a great while we run into such an inexplicable abomination it simply begs to to get pissed on. On that note, what the fuck is happening here? Is it one of the worst Photoshop jobs of all time or two of the dumbest assholes in the history of screaming and waving their arms in the air? (That's a long, boring list. I've seen it.) A few key factors point to the former. Firstly, there are obviously Ottawa Senators jerseys. If you hate the "SENS" as much as you should- you should notice that fairly quickly. One of the clues to those not in the loop is the dude on the right having a fucking SENATORS logo on his jersey. The dude on the left still has a semi visible logo however it's easy to be distracted by his super tight goatee and backwards hat combo that clearly says: "Yeah, I deliver pizzas. You got a fucking problem fag?". There's another clue pointing to a someone at Perry's having a basic knowledge of Photoshop and an advanced problem with drinking a hip flask of Old Crow in the shitter before work every day. It's the fact that there has never been a Senators jersey with blue in it. It's just not one of their God damn colors. Now, I've seen crooked up ass ghetto fuck up misprint jerseys at the dirt mall but no fan of not getting hit in the head with a half empty bottle of Steel Reserve would leave their mom's basement rockin' that bonk gear. Also, What is with the hastily thrown in Sabretooth cover up bullshit? Why not cover both logos? Why not cover the entire logo if you're gonna cover it at all? What a clusterfuck? The best question is why did this dogshit have to go down in the first place? Is there a shortage of drunk idiots in Buffalo wearing actual Sabres shit screaming and acting like total fuckfaces? Not last time I checked. I just don't get it. Someone over a Perry's needs to get fired. Actually, before that goes down I could really use a case of Nutty Buddies. Not to eat but to hand out to the homeless people that swarm me when I leave my house. You know, to change it up a little.

Saturday, October 17, 2009


Good day all. I know many have been emailing me much as you usually do when I don't post for a while. My only response is chill the fuck out. I didn't feel like it. Now I do. Being that I am in the correct frame of mind to give this shit at least 72%, I can once again get sick. OH, and I'll do my best to throw at least one a week up from here on out so my in box isn't full of whiny emails from people who have less to do than I do. As an added feature this season I will add a note on the bottom of each post suggesting a musical selection that will delicately compliment the post much like a like a light pinot noir compliments roast duck.
*Deep breath* POOS MAN *barely audible whimpering sigh*. Wow. This sucks Sasquatch balls. My first reaction is that this poor bastard is probably a member of the faceless, emasculated zombie army you see everywhere. The old "balls in the purse" dude. This is one of the more rare sightings if it is. It's a special kind of sick jersey indeed. It's the kind your girlfriend gets you because she thinks it's so fucking cute and you can't possibly not wear for fear of all of your vagina privileges disappearing like Criss Angel's arm in a dude's ass. It's the kind of jersey she (in this case POO) gives you for Christmas and you have to grit your teeth, fight back the tears of anger/ disappointment, and give a half assed "No, no. I love it honey. It's fucking sweet. I love you. This is aaaawesome." Then, in order to keep said privileges in tact you have to actually wear the fucking thing in the goddamn arena while buying a hot pretzel and a small Bud Light. (see above photo). Now I can tell you no vagina on earth is worth this type of humiliation. But that call is totally up to you hoss. I mean fish in the sea and all that shit. I'm just bringing it to your attention. The other option is that this dude digs eating actual shit. Whether he's doing it figuratively or literally, he still doing it. Seriously. Sick bro.

For best reading please accompany with Pantera's "Slaughtered"

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Pomer, oi, oi, oi!

It has come to my attention people have simply not been paying attention. For example, this little beauty here breaks every single rule about jersey "customization" that you possibly can besides having like five fucking names on there or getting a bouquet of rubber dicks hot glued to the arms. The real fun here is you aren't 100% sure how it's fucked up- I'll explain. Now I know I've said it before and I know for a fact I'll have to mention it at least thirty more times (based on the unused shit I still have chilling in my in box) but you really shouldn't use a number that doesn't correspond to the player name on said jersey. That being said, and I know I'm demolishing a dead horse here, but the one known quantity we are working with here is the number 16. If you want to be a smart ass you could say that it belonged to Chris Taylor, Darrin Shannon, Mike Donnelly, Paul Brydges, Ric Seiling, Derek Smith, Peter McNab, Real Lemieux, Randy Wyrozub, Ron Anderson or Butch Deadmarsh. You would also be correct. A total fuckface, but correct. It is obviously retired for Patty LaFontaine. It is obviously NOT retired for Pomeroy, which in my approximation is either one of the standard sick jersey faux pas (the person's actual last name) or the even more insidious combo of two existing player's names on one jersey. I'll let you figure out who those two are. HINT it's not Vanek and Afinogenov. Sadly, we've already covered that one. If it's not her -and I hope it's a her- last name then it is just a little douchier because of the "Pommer" nicknamy part of it in the combo that was downright stupid to begin with. Pommer, your penance is to cram your head in one of the sewer grates near the front parking lot at the HSBC that smells like some hellish Sysyphean torment involving Roseanne era John Goodman's colon. You have to huff with your mouth open for as long as it takes one standard dude to get a large beer during the intermission. So, like about a half hour. Enjoy.

Friday, August 21, 2009

O.K., O.K., Shut up already.

So I've been getting a bunch of angry emails about how I haven't posted a jersey pretty much all summer. So, here you go you sons of bitches. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I BRING YOU (drumroll) ......... Pogmothion! This little slice of heaven took a little bit of research. I would love to believe Pogmothion is just this fartbag's actual last name or a reference to his favorite Pokemon character. Alas, after burning the midnight oil deep in the bowels of the vast, Castlevania like Sick Jersey Bro archives I have discovered the stupid truth. This sick jersey is simply a typo. An annoying and unfunny typo, but a typo none the less. The correct Gaelic phrase is póg mo thóin. Pronounced in English as something along the lines of “pogue mahone”, it translates to kiss my ass. As classy and appropriate that is all by it self, it takes on an extra level of tact and refinement when you go ahead and strap it on the jersey of beloved doughnut tycoon/ horrifying car accident victim, Tim Horton. Way to piss in the collective double double of good coffee and hockey fans everywhere. It's like getting a Dan Snyder Thrashers jersey with "suck my dick" spelled incorrectly in Russian on the back -IF he owned a wildly successful restaurant chain AND had his jersey retired by his team out of respect. Very thoughtful. Very sick.Snyder, DaThrashers

Hey, you fuckers ever heard of Facebook?

Hello again. As we here at SJB prepare for the start of yet another NHL season, the decision was made to finally get down with the "Face books" that all the kids won't shut up about. By kids I obviously mean your aunt Tammy and your mom's Boyfriend Frank. Seeing as how Myspace is now just about as cool as sending someone a telegram about Friendster, we've made the move. I'm sure this will set your collective loins afire with social media anticipation. Hey, if it makes it easier for you guys to send in sick jerseys, then so be it. So, friend us or whatever the fuck they call it. To tell you the truth, I can't tell what the fuck is even going on on Facebook. I think I just took a quiz about famous poodles in 80's teen comedies while signing up for a Seth Rogan fan club and getting "poked" by a chick from my 10th grade study hall. It's like some bizarre Freudian nightmare that sends you email updates. Enjoy the rest of your summer! Just keep your fingers crossed that Pat Kane doesn't get all fucked up on the Chip strip and cave your skull in over 20 cents in loose change. Now go get em'.


Friday, June 26, 2009


So after an excellent little summer vacation SJB returns to briefly comment on the skull crushing excitement is the NHL draft. GET YOUR POUTINE READY! Let's be honest. The NHL draft has about as much meaning to casual hockey fans as a rerun of two an a half men. There are only a hand full of kids out there who will make any significant impact before 2012, and by then it won't matter as the surface of what we now call "Earth" will undoubtedly be violently transformed into a stark, lava raped hell scape devoid of all life- and I presume, NHL hockey. However, there are some real deal hardcore dudes out there who actually care about the draft. So here is what you need to know: John Tavares went to the Island. And yes to Bandits fans- he is related to that John Tavares. The only difference being that after today one of the two will be able to afford a 1992 Chevy Astrovan and the other is the greatest scorer in indoor lacrosse history. Word is the Sabres are aiming for either Zack Kassian, Brayden Schenn or Evander Kane. In other words a hard nosed no bullshit type grinder that can score. The bad news is that we won't see the payoff until sometime well into Jeb Bush's second term. My only hope is that our draft picks spawn many a sick jersey for our children and our children's children. Unless the Mayans were right.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Twit It or Quit it.

I know full well my lack of output is troubling to many in the sick jersey bro nation. The season has officially ended (the worst way possible) and I am kind of over the whole jersey thing for the time being. If you crave more awesomeness please feel free to follow the official Sick Jersey Bro Twitter feed. It may not be all that Sabres related but it will be funny and updated all the time.

Get some.