Monday, April 28, 2008

Take it away Keeteroids..........

Yo! Stemy, wait up bud! Fuck, sorry I'm so out of breath. I had to chase you all the way down the stairs. Hey listen man, I was right behind you in the bathroom a few minutes ago waiting to use the shitter and I couldn’t help but notice that not only didn’t you flush but there was no toilet paper in the toilet. how seriously dirty is your asshole right now? Oh is this your wife? Hi I'm Keith. Hopefully you don’t plan on reverse cowgirl tonight. O.K. Stemy, I'll see you later man.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Marlies and me!

In an effort to reach out to the international minor league hockey community we here at Sick Jersey Bro have acquired an official Toronto Marlies (the Maple Leafs farm team) correspondent. Her name is Sarah and she's doing a bang up job. As you see She went above and beyond to get us a truly sick "crusher" #69 jersey. What a fucking stupid jersey. Notice first the delicately nuanced sexual reference. Don't see it? Look closer. AH HA! Sixty nine! Fuck me. That is rich. That is really something. By the way - what do you think he "crushes" exactly? Maybe he just "crushed" any hope of escaping the dead end stock job at the Lastman's Bad Boy in Mississauga. Or perhaps he just "crushed" a full tray of cold lasagna in his mom's basement while loudly weeping about that whore Brenda. Maybe we'll never know. What we do know is that thanks to Sarah we have our first international sick jersey and if I play my cards right a place to crash in the T.O. when I get "crushed" up in Can-an-a-da. You hear me Sarah? I'm fucking serious. I swore to myself I would never squat under the Gardiner Expressway with crusty squeegee punks again.

What starts with an O and sucks (besides Oprah)?

You guys have proved that there truly is a lot of hate out there. The most statistically significant portion of which is reserved for the (drum roll played on my desk) Ottawa Senators. As one of the Sabres faithful I join all of you in saying fuck Ottawa! Eat hot penguin shit. Especially Chris Neil. Oh, and everyone else on the team. BTW, Philly can suck my balls too.
Toronto 12%
Ottawa 32%
Carolina 24%
Rangers 16%
Philly 16%

Monday, April 14, 2008

Where's Jer Bear?

There is a lot going on in this picture. Please allow me to give you the tour. As far as I can tell the sloping blur in the foreground is just one of the hundreds (maybe thousands) of dudes who thought Connolly could stay healthy enough to justify the purchase of a jersey. Unfortunately Timmy shattered his skull applying aftershave and missed most of the season proving the blur wrong. (or something like that)
For those who are unfamiliar, the red 3rd jersey is not a "custom" or a joke. Steve Heinze really played for the Sabres and really wore the number 57. No Shit. Yeah. I know it's not funny.
"Because of his last name, Heinze requested to wear #57 (as inHeinz 57 ketchup) with the Bruins. However, the Bruins denied his request. Instead, Heinze wore #23 in Boston. He was granted #57 when he joined the Blue Jackets and he wore it for the remainder of his NHL career."
Now the number 13 in the center is a bit more interesting.In the 1974 entry draft, whilst with Buffalo, Punch Imlach deliberately selected an imaginary Japanese center, Taro Tsujimoto, supposedly of the Tokyo Katanas of the Japanese Ice Hockey League, in the 11th round (183rd overall). Only after weeks had passed did the league discover that Tsujimoto did not in fact exist. Imlach later revealed that he had played the prank because of his frustration with the excessive tedium and length of that year's draft proceedings. Today, the league officially records the 183rd selection of the 1974 entry draft as an "invalid claim". Funny? Maybe, bro. I'm actually pretty on the fence about any cutesy horse shit like this but I'll give this one a pass because it takes a knowledge of obscure Sabres trivia to even think of that. It also has a sweet bonus because the idea of a hockey player from Japan is fucking hilarious. (P.S. I know there are Asians in the NHL but they were born in North America) (P.P.S. Paul Kariya's dad is Asian and his mom is white. This officially constitutes the first confirmed and documented case of reverse "yellow fever" in North America. Look it up smart ass.)
And what about "
Jer Bear"? Well, this is the tootsie roll center of this post.
God damn it. I get that your name is Jeremy or Jerry or Jerome or something like that. And I guess I get that at some point someone in your life decided that your name needed a little extra. I really hope it was your girlfriend but I'm far more inclined to believe it was your uncle Craig or one of the dudes you "work out" with downtown. On Saturday nights. While you're blasted on contact cement and white
zin. Either way, this shit don't fly dawg. The only way it might even begin to be acceptable is if you earned the nickname "bear" actually disemboweling a grizzly with your bare hands. The sad truth is that it probably just refers to your stellar combo of coarse, greasy body hair that goes from stem to stern and moobs that would make Bruce Villanche seethe with girlish jealousy. Listen. You look a little thin to be considered an actual "Bear", but keep dreaming. On the plus side, you have a totally sick jersey. Bro.
For all the "bears" out there like
Jer, I give you the musicalstylings of "Bear Force One" one of Jer Bear's favorite bear bands.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

"These go to eleven."

I really had no concept whatsoever how many ass hats think they can wear (or apparently don't know about) the number 11. For all of the reasons I have so eloquently stated in previous posts, this is 100% unacceptable. However seeing a poor, misguided soul in a #11 jersey was the impetus i needed to start this thing. So i owe them something as a group. Add to that the fact that I do have a real sense of wonder and pity when I see this shit going down. It's like watching Nickelback perform. At one time you feel both seething white hot rage that this could be happening and a confusing sadness that Chad Kroger is a ball hair away from considered legally retarded in Ontario. So here I am. Angry, sad, and ultimately confused. Add to this that the Sabres not only failed to make the playoffs but decided to hand a beat down to the Bruins (including a fucking J.T. SHUTOUT!) when it couldn't matter less. I'm depressed. And this clown penis in the 11 jersey isn't helping things.