Rollin on DUBS!

It's been done! Fuck me. It's been done. A motherfucking triple. You have to be fucking kidding me. In the tradition of such all time great doubles such as the Mecca's, the Woodcocks, and the Cottrell's- I proudly present you with the first documented sickjerseybro exclusive TRIPLE! Thank you Dubke family. Turning a Dubke into a sick TRIPke. You made my whole fucking year. It's a Christmas miracle. These dump huffing clown farts have no clue how truly rare and precious their idiocy is. And why the numbers? we could speculate all day. Seriously. Take a deep breath and seriously LOOK at these assholes. Perfection.

cuteness?

Is that a reference to her or Vanek? Either way, the whole thing stinks. It's strange, though. That is Tomas's XBOX live ID when we play CoD 3 and totally pwn n00bz. T.V. is totally 1337.

Pakachoag. Excuse me.

Total mind blower. It actually made me vurp a tiny bit when I looked at it. There is something about it that makes me physically uneasy. A literally sick jersey. Gross.

La-La-LAME.

Jesus Christ. You have to be fucking kidding me.

Cottrell bros!

As previously explored with the Woodcocks and the Mecca bros., getting sick is often a family affair. I will give these dudes big points for partying under the thruway before the game, but their innate sickness in undeniable.

Surefire way to retain resale value.

Has anyone else seen this cruiser? I love it (minus the slugs). Go big or go home. I want to see this dude's house.

Mr. Lovas Lovas

*loud wet fart noise*

Half and half.

Wikipedia: "Half and half" is a common phrase used to describe a prostitute's service where time is allotted equally to two sexual acts; typically fellatio followed by vaginal intercourse.

That about covers it.

See, Walter.............

So as not be confused by the thousands of other fetal alcohol syndrome sufferers named Walter who like the Sabres AND have never heard of Tim "china doll" Connolly (as per his Wikipedia entry) my man here has added a "C". Thanks. It looks good. No. Really. I'm pumped dude. Sick bro.

Kuhaneck yourself before you wreck yourself.

Wrong font + Wrong colors + Wrong numbers = Sick jersey bro.

CHUNX!

I can almost back this. It's funny every time you see it. It's like the Naked Gun of sick jerseys.

SABRES? ORLY?

This is stupid. You have a jersey on already. The entire reason a Jersey exists is to signify what team you're playing for. It has such innovations as team colors, team logos, and distinctive striping patterns so as to achieve said differentiation. Simply, we know it's a fucking Sabres Jersey. And we can infer that you are indeed a fan of the Sabres. To put the name of the team on the back is (in the words of the 13 year old kid that I overheard the game) "gay as shit dude".

Shitty info.

What is happening here? I bet Mr. Drew Stafford would not find this funny in the least. Is it some sort of Staff burn? Is it supposed to be funny? Is it supposed to be clever? Is this fartmouth Japanese? One thig is sure. It is sick.

Home made is only better for food.

What we have here is a full on home made joint. If you cant't see, the numbers are hand stitched and uneven. Mega ghetto. To tell you the truth I don't know if not having a name on there makes it better or worse. Just sick.

I know I know.

I know what you'll say. It's a dude in a Bruins jersey. However. I have been known to make exceptions. First, this toolbag has Ray Borque's number. Second, Corky was the retarded kid from life goes on. Third, I thought this dude was pissing into the area where the kids shoot the pucks around. O.K., so he was doing one thing right. I'll give him that.

Let's get to work.

There gentlemen fall into the same (fairly popular) designation. Asshole faces.

Again.

My most humble of apologies. I have been deluged with work lately and the thoughtless asshole I steal WiFi from must have moved his router because I can't get internet for shit. So from now on I'll just concentrate on getting the shit up when I get a chance and keep the lengthy commentary to a minimum. After all it's all about the sick jerseys.

WOODCOCK²

Stay with me on this one. I know it's blurry. What we have here is a mega rare double Woodcock. All juvenile sexual innuendo aside, FUCKING WHAAAAAT? I mean, suck me sideways. This is like a total double cream dream for everyone here at the scenic Sick Jersey Bro offices. My personal assistant is fucking losing it. That dude Jared who fills our RED BULL® cooler literally pissed his pants. Not since the celebrated work of the Mecca bros from last season have we seen a two pronged attack of this magnitude. Seriously. There are two grown, hopefully married adults who thought it would be just fine to cruise around in matching motherfucking Woodcock jerseys. so sick bro.

My Man Mitch.

Mitch! Mitch! Mitch! At least the jersey choice is correct. I guess this fucking goof gets filed under the "If you're going to do something wrong, at least do it right" category. AND you didn't use a real number. (Unless you count Biron for like 34 seconds.) So this is a good example of the least offensive type of sick jersey out there. It's a solid 40% better than your average sick jersey. And as a message to all those who seek the sickness, I say: don't ruin this for me! Continue to get slug jerseys with Rob Ray's number and like, i don't know, "clownturd" on the back. What? SAY IT! be proud! Embrace your sick jerseyness.

Fucko!

No fucking number. No fucking way. Sick. Bro.

A humble recognition of a job well done.

I have to at very least say thanks to my man Pat (and I think some of his boys) who have been sending me a TON of fantastic jerseys. Keep up the truly sick work!

Anglo Oriental?

Check out the "Anglo Oriental" spirit rug from the NHL online store. What the fuck is an anglo oriental spirit rug? It sounds like some sort of vaguely religious artifact. Is it anything like a native American dream catcher? Because I know all to well what those are. They catch native American dreams. However, this slugged up abortion barely qualifies an actual "rug" not to mention oriental rug. And as a Caucasian I take offense to this anglo bullshit. Can we just leave race out of our shitty $70.00 door mat conversations? That's right $70.00 for a fucking doormat. I mean I don't go around running off at the mouth about our Anglo African President elect, and that's actually a big deal. So. To sum up this special racially charged rug review edition of sick jersey bro- if you bought this rug you are as bigoted as you are mentally retarded. Congrats. Oh, and sorry McCain lost bro.

You Make the Call!

Is this cool or not? I love the jersey, I love Brad May, and lets be honest-1993 is pretty God damn cool. But can you commemorate a moment in time with a sick jersey? Why not just get a Brad May jersey? I don't think I back it. However, in an uncharacteristically magnanimous move on my part, I will allow for sick feedback on this jersey. Let me know where you stand.

Me, Ted.

I just assume I don't have to say anything. Right?

Why the fuck not?

First, I realize that dude's name is probably Ebert but I'm also just as certain that this asshole is fully aware that there is a very well known movie critic with the same name. If your last name was Letterman or Winfrey you would have to know how confusing and just plain stupid it would look on a Sabres jersey. The salsa on this hot pube burrito is the fact that he went ahead and used the hallowed and universally untouchable number of the "Great one" Wayne Douglas Gretzky. As avid SJB fans may know, I already covered this topic in an earlier post. These jerseys are my favorite. Just a total clusterfuck of bullshit. What a total waste of fucking time and money. Sick.

P.S. I purposefully omitted any thumbs up/down reference. Please feel free to insert your own hilarious thumb based jokes.

HO LEE SHIT.

Do you go for the obligatory weight joke? Do you question it's sex? Do you speculate on the smell? NO. You address the jersey. And this one is possibly one of the most fucked up train wrecks anyone has ever seen. O.K. I LOVE R.J.- that being said, why denigrate his service to our country with this puddle of bloody Sasquatch diarrhea? It's like saying, hey- I really like my dad. I'm going to get his picture lazer engraved on a petrified dog turd. And 550. Wow. Schopp and the Bulldog could probably do a QUALITY two shows on this thing. That's just how good they are. The could speculate on where it was lettered, pontificate on the origin of the concept, Bulldog could use his razor sharp stammering technique and Mike could shout like angry child and belittle callers in that way only he can. I can just hear the classic radio announcer bit KILLING on this one. Long story short-sick jersey. Maybe one of the sickest ever.

P.S. the smell has to be somewhere between sauteed human hair and the socket amputees put their stump in on prosthetic legs. Plus piss soaked Doritos.

P. Mair(ish)

Is this dude's angle that his name is so close to Mair or that he is so inherently "Mairish" that he has to differentiate himself with a "P"? So gross. I'm running out of adjectives for these dump huffers. Hey, Pete! Paul! Patrick! Whatever the fuck your name is! Do everyone a huge favor- take a page out of Mr. Shyamalan's playbook and change your first name to "Night".

2 Princes(s)

"Woe to you, my Princess, when I come... you shall see who is the stronger, a gentle little girl who doesn't eat enough or a big wild man who has cocaine in his body." - Sigmund Freud

Yes. that is an actual quote from Sigmund Freud. What does it have to do with anything at all you may ask? Not a God damn thing. But there are three things we can learn here.
1. This jersey sucks big dick.
2. If you're a 36 year old woman and you own ANYTHING with the word princess on it (including car window decals featuring a silhouette of Italy) you really need to stop that shit.
3. Sigmund Freud was a sick fuck. A sick fuck who loved blowing lines and either beating or raping anorexic princesses. Sick father of psychoanalysis bro.

Sick sick jersey sickness!

For those who don't think sickjerseybro.com is a real phenomena check out this real ass sign at the Sabres opening win against the Montreal Canadiens. Now, I know what you're thinking- I got all shitfaced under the I-90 overpass before the game on warm red dog pounders and peppermint schnapps and got my hands on a roll of hockey tape. WRONG! Or at least half wrong. I did't tape shit. This was done by honest to God fans that I had no idea existed. Good job assholes! I'm so pumped/sympathize for/with you! Keep up the questionable work!

I've been around the Uhlenbrock a few times.

Dudes, this shit is on for fucking real. I've received more re-fucking-dick-u-fucking-lus jerseys in the first few weeks of this season than I ever dreamed could ever even exist. I'm super busy right now but you deserve to see this bullshit. So, I'm on it. Go Sabes!

Sorry dudes.

But not that sorry. I've been super busy lately and haven't had time to update shit. However, I have a TON of super sick jerseys. No shit.

Finally. It Begins.

Fucking finally. It's on for real. Signaling the start of another Sabres season, I humbly submit to you the first official sick jersey of the 2008-2009 NHL season! And what a shit biscuit! I mean.... what? Presuming you are a fan, or at least enough of a fan to go to a game and to blow $150 on a jersey, you must have at least heard of Rob Ray. No? Really? Not even on the Sabres T.V. coverage? No, huh? well. How about on all of the shitty ads? The billboards? The other shitty cable access show he did with Barnaby? Seriously no? Wow. Well, he doesn't deserve this horseshit Meddaugh. So cut it out. Rob seems like a good guy. He took a hell of alot of shit to make that number cool. All you had to do to disgrace it was blow $87.75 on draft beer at Chili's, go online and make one regrettable purchase. So do the right thing an give that abortion a viking funeral on lake Erie so as not to let the whole season be infected with the douchebumps I have right now.

Possible thirds you say?

Wow. is that it?  it's strange that is has no secondary logos but who knows?  Either way you look at it it's better than the slug jerseys for sure.

Fill my eyes with that double vision

Hey! Can you believe this? I damn near shit my pants at the final Bisons game of the year when I ran across this gem. Actually- ran after this gem. He walked all over the God damn stadium before I could get a clear shot at him. But boy was it was worth it. Like dropping out of high school or telling your drunk biker stepfather to "go ahead and take a fucking swing Daryll"- seeing the same dude in two different sick jerseys is a once in a lifetime experience. Now I bet dollars to donuts this fartbag has a Bills, Bandits, and possibly Buffalo Stallions Jersey waiting in his mom's closet. This dude is like THE sick jersey bro. So if you see bro with other gear on, take a deep breath and follow him around for and hour and get a sick pic for me. Sorry. For all of us.

PUCKDROP! AAAAHHHHHH!

The Buffalo Sabres announced today they will be unveiling their new third jersey on Saturday, September 20, as part of “Puck Drop 2008” at HSBC Arena. If you like obnoxious 3D SportsCenter-esque graphics injecting colors, info, and presumably lazers into your brain, you'll love PUCKDROP 2008! Don't like that one? BOOM! Here's more!

Judging by these ads for the puckdrop one can only assume they are going to drop the living shit out of that puck. I hope it's like when the jumbotron fell from the rafters except this time it'll be a puck the size of a small brick ranch in West Seneca instead of an eight-sided, $4-million scoreboard. DROP THAT SHIT! (insert "disturbed" riff) and lets get totally pumped for another season of sick Sabres action, bro.

Sick Thirds bro.

As per the great Icethetics blog:
This was posted on the Buffalo Sabres' official web site on Thursday but I figured it was worth mentioning. The Sabres have officially announced their intentions to unveil a vintage style third jersey at a team event on September 20. The following was pulled directly from their site.

When the Sabres hit the ice for their first full practice of the season, fans will get their first look at the team’s new third jersey that will make its debut during the 2008-09 NHL season. The jersey features a modernization of the team’s vintage design elements, while incorporating the latest in sports uniform technology. Fans will be able to pre-order the new jersey at a kiosk in the Sabres Store.

Nothing really new but it's another official statement from the team. We've already had that date in the countdown for a while.

Keeping it current.

So yeah. Is it that people have such blind faith in the Sabres ability to win the cup every year or do they get one jersey for each year? Do you then wear two year old jerseys simply to reminisce? Where is your red and black '05 lockout jersey? How about an '86 jersey to commemorate our sick .400 winning percentage? I'll bet you are at Al Ross right now getting this year's model Fleissnered up as I speak. Cut that shit out. Get a Miller jersey and stop this silly bullshit. Really.

The flesh is chic, but the mind is wailing.

Most excellent. If you have recently perused the front page of sabres.com, you may have seen Mr. Drew Stafford partying hard with Buffalo's own Every Time I Die at this summer's Warped Tour. I have it on very good authority that the jam was aww-sem. Partying for real and doing Buffalo proud. Lets hope sick, radical conduct like this rubs off in the locker room. You hear me Joken? I want to see you down on Allen autographing the sidewalk with a loose blend of Jagerbombs and Jim's Steakout.

Great news indeed!

As per some info obtained from multiple sources (including my boy Charlie at Sabres not slugs) the Sabres are preparing to debut their reworked third jersey design for the upcoming season. All signs point to a fantastic amalgamation of new and old showcasing the classic Sabres logo. This is the mock up of what the logo may look like:

And a mock up of the jersey:


Charlie from sabresnotslugs.com also adds:

"Notice there are indeed silver elements in the sabre handle and bordering the circular part of the crest. Well I have been thinking long and hard and truly believe that this picture as bad as it is (referring to another earlier, low res picture), to be authentic.

I also confidently expect the following elements to be added:

1. Dark Blue to match the current jerseys (not a big surprise for most)
2. Front Numbers
3. Front tie-up laces

This will be introduced as an Alternate jersey. Note it cannot be called a vintage uniform anymore because of the distinctive elements not present in the royal blue 1970-1996 version or the 2006 Royal blue alternate."

This is fantastic news for SJB as this will mean a explosion of mental defectives buying new fangled blank 3rds and rendering them useless immediately with their own names! I'll be patiently waiting!

Swanny!

There it is. Let this be proof positive that if you wait long enough opportunities will present themselves. Much like the 90210 reunion Ol' Swanny here was well worth the wait. I've got to tell you my man Swanoids was at the Seneca Niagara casino and he was shredding the slots. As you see in the pic he's eying up the next victim. What he failed to eye up was the mirror as he effortlessly waltzed out of his primo comped hotel room. I have to believe he failed to look at the calender as well- seeing as how it's the middle of fucking July and Swanzy thinks it's full on custom Sabres jersey time. So here's to you you glorious fucking bastard. Hit the piss out of the quadruple progressive blazin' 7's platinum Kenny Rodgers "the Gambler"edition touch screen poker. Oh and when you get around to it, apologize to Petr Svoboda, Kevin Haller, John Tucker, Mike Donnelly, Dale McCourt, Randy Cunneyworth, Rene Robert, and Cliff Schmautz. Oh also make double sure you say you're sorry to Rick Martin.

Mecca lecca hi mecca himey ho!

You just have to believe in the power of positive thought. As you may already know- summer is the slow season around sick jersey bro. You may also know that my summer time is precious. I have so very much in the works at any given time. From my various commitments to judging local strawberry festivals, volunteering for homeless dogs with cancer and rigging corn eating contests- all the way to being forced into Milwaukee's Best power hour on Zeke's porch with four or five ladies best described as filthy street whores. I never know what's next! Luckily, when I'm not waking up behind the dumpster at the Pink I occasionally run into a tiny little gem like these dingleberries. You know, I pray and I pray. And I will be God damned if Jesus don't pull the most tits moves when you least expect it. Now you know the deep, abiding love I hold in my heart for the shitbirds with custom jerseys. Sometimes I think, dude. How could these assholes get any sweeter? Well Jesus emphatically answered "check this shit out, bro!" and slapped me with the with the Mecca Brothers. Not one but count em two. How could you EVER, EVER, piss all over the beautiful original white home jersey by using shitty screen printed letters and numbers IN THE WRONG FUCKING COLOR AND WRONG FONT! douche. You might as well buy a blank and wipe your ass with it. Then your inbred brother finds your jersey so fucking hot he can't help but blow $150 on a slug jersey and make it even more reprehensible by "Mecca-ing" it all up like big bro. But how could you not? He always set the standard. Who was the first one to smoke weed in the pines behind the greenhouse? Who told that faggot Red Lobster manager Patrick to fuck off that one time? Who bought that fuckin' awesome ball python from that dude at the fair? Big bro Mecca-maniac that's the fuck who.

Check out my guest blog!

I did a little thing on a great blog called Sabres not slugs. Its a blog that's all about defeating the slug. Talk about a guy that gets it!
CLICK HERE SEE WHAT I WROTE ON SOME OTHER DUDE'S BLOG!

Well, heck Mrs. Cleaver- I thought it was just swell is all!

As church lawn fete season rapidly approaches and warm summer breezes gently waft the sweetly caramelized cheerio kissed air over the 190, thoughts of all things Sarbes wane ever so slightly. To be totally honest I haven't seen one good jersey to write about in two months. Luckily for the readers being well prepared is almost as crucial to SJB as being drunk enough to actually enjoy a game of Kan-Jam™. So into the vault we go! Where to start? How about with this flaming train wreck? Seriously. I mean, wow. To start, he got Miro Satan's number. Miro Fucking Satan. Undoubtedly one of the laziest Euros in the history of sandbagging, heartless, spineless, goldbricking, slacking, scrimshanking Euros. Miro makes Alxei Yashin look like a coal mining longshoreman roofer. The only proof you need that Miro was one of the lamest Sabres of all time is that my man's name is fucking SATAN. You know, like Lucifer the prince of darkness. However he chose to pronounce it SHIT-TAN. Talk about going a buck sixty out of the gate and cranking the parking brake for no reason. And what is the deal with the antiquated T.V. character call back? Is it because you remind people of a poorly written, unfunny, uninteresting, irrelevant, obnoxious stereotype from before your mother was born? LOL! ROTFLMFAO! What an immense waste of time and money. All on a slug as well. What a treat. The best thing about this jersey is that there is absolutely no conceivable way this jersey could get any worse. Good job douchetard. Sick jersey bro. Sick.

Take it away Keeteroids..........

Yo! Stemy, wait up bud! Fuck, sorry I'm so out of breath. I had to chase you all the way down the stairs. Hey listen man, I was right behind you in the bathroom a few minutes ago waiting to use the shitter and I couldn’t help but notice that not only didn’t you flush but there was no toilet paper in the toilet. how seriously dirty is your asshole right now? Oh is this your wife? Hi I'm Keith. Hopefully you don’t plan on reverse cowgirl tonight. O.K. Stemy, I'll see you later man.