Monday, April 14, 2008

Where's Jer Bear?

There is a lot going on in this picture. Please allow me to give you the tour. As far as I can tell the sloping blur in the foreground is just one of the hundreds (maybe thousands) of dudes who thought Connolly could stay healthy enough to justify the purchase of a jersey. Unfortunately Timmy shattered his skull applying aftershave and missed most of the season proving the blur wrong. (or something like that)
For those who are unfamiliar, the red 3rd jersey is not a "custom" or a joke. Steve Heinze really played for the Sabres and really wore the number 57. No Shit. Yeah. I know it's not funny.
"Because of his last name, Heinze requested to wear #57 (as inHeinz 57 ketchup) with the Bruins. However, the Bruins denied his request. Instead, Heinze wore #23 in Boston. He was granted #57 when he joined the Blue Jackets and he wore it for the remainder of his NHL career."
Now the number 13 in the center is a bit more interesting.In the 1974 entry draft, whilst with Buffalo, Punch Imlach deliberately selected an imaginary Japanese center, Taro Tsujimoto, supposedly of the Tokyo Katanas of the Japanese Ice Hockey League, in the 11th round (183rd overall). Only after weeks had passed did the league discover that Tsujimoto did not in fact exist. Imlach later revealed that he had played the prank because of his frustration with the excessive tedium and length of that year's draft proceedings. Today, the league officially records the 183rd selection of the 1974 entry draft as an "invalid claim". Funny? Maybe, bro. I'm actually pretty on the fence about any cutesy horse shit like this but I'll give this one a pass because it takes a knowledge of obscure Sabres trivia to even think of that. It also has a sweet bonus because the idea of a hockey player from Japan is fucking hilarious. (P.S. I know there are Asians in the NHL but they were born in North America) (P.P.S. Paul Kariya's dad is Asian and his mom is white. This officially constitutes the first confirmed and documented case of reverse "yellow fever" in North America. Look it up smart ass.)
And what about "
Jer Bear"? Well, this is the tootsie roll center of this post.
God damn it. I get that your name is Jeremy or Jerry or Jerome or something like that. And I guess I get that at some point someone in your life decided that your name needed a little extra. I really hope it was your girlfriend but I'm far more inclined to believe it was your uncle Craig or one of the dudes you "work out" with downtown. On Saturday nights. While you're blasted on contact cement and white
zin. Either way, this shit don't fly dawg. The only way it might even begin to be acceptable is if you earned the nickname "bear" actually disemboweling a grizzly with your bare hands. The sad truth is that it probably just refers to your stellar combo of coarse, greasy body hair that goes from stem to stern and moobs that would make Bruce Villanche seethe with girlish jealousy. Listen. You look a little thin to be considered an actual "Bear", but keep dreaming. On the plus side, you have a totally sick jersey. Bro.
For all the "bears" out there like
Jer, I give you the musicalstylings of "Bear Force One" one of Jer Bear's favorite bear bands.

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