Sick Jersey Bro.

YEAHHHHH!!!!!!! uh, wait.

2009-11-28T16:24:00.003-05:00

(For best results read while listening to Westside Connection's "Bow Down")

I received this email recently:

Howdy sir, love your site. I read about the WNY hockey expo coming to town this past weekend and clicked on a link to their site. There is a banner at the top with hilarity attached to it. I have attached that photo.

Stew

Now, I know the main focus of SJB is to knock on "customized" Sabres jerseys. However every once and a great while we run into such an inexplicable abomination it simply begs to to get pissed on. On that note, what the fuck is happening here? Is it one of the worst Photoshop jobs of all time or two of the dumbest assholes in the history of screaming and waving their arms in the air? (That's a long, boring list. I've seen it.) A few key factors point to the former. Firstly, there are obviously Ottawa Senators jerseys. If you hate the "SENS" as much as you should- you should notice that fairly quickly. One of the clues to those not in the loop is the dude on the right having a fucking SENATORS logo on his jersey. The dude on the left still has a semi visible logo however it's easy to be distracted by his super tight goatee and backwards hat combo that clearly says: "Yeah, I deliver pizzas. You got a fucking problem fag?". There's another clue pointing to a someone at Perry's having a basic knowledge of Photoshop and an advanced problem with drinking a hip flask of Old Crow in the shitter before work every day. It's the fact that there has never been a Senators jersey with blue in it. It's just not one of their God damn colors. Now, I've seen crooked up ass ghetto fuck up misprint jerseys at the dirt mall but no fan of not getting hit in the head with a half empty bottle of Steel Reserve would leave their mom's basement rockin' that bonk gear. Also, What is with the hastily thrown in Sabretooth cover up bullshit? Why not cover both logos? Why not cover the entire logo if you're gonna cover it at all? What a clusterfuck? The best question is why did this dogshit have to go down in the first place? Is there a shortage of drunk idiots in Buffalo wearing actual Sabres shit screaming and acting like total fuckfaces? Not last time I checked. I just don't get it. Someone over a Perry's needs to get fired. Actually, before that goes down I could really use a case of Nutty Buddies. Not to eat but to hand out to the homeless people that swarm me when I leave my house. You know, to change it up a little.

AAAAAAAAND WE'RE BACK!

2009-10-17T16:30:00.002-04:00

Good day all. I know many have been emailing me much as you usually do when I don't post for a while. My only response is chill the fuck out. I didn't feel like it. Now I do. Being that I am in the correct frame of mind to give this shit at least 72%, I can once again get sick. OH, and I'll do my best to throw at least one a week up from here on out so my in box isn't full of whiny emails from people who have less to do than I do. As an added feature this season I will add a note on the bottom of each post suggesting a musical selection that will delicately compliment the post much like a like a light pinot noir compliments roast duck.
*Deep breath* POOS MAN *barely audible whimpering sigh*. Wow. This sucks Sasquatch balls. My first reaction is that this poor bastard is probably a member of the faceless, emasculated zombie army you see everywhere. The old "balls in the purse" dude. This is one of the more rare sightings if it is. It's a special kind of sick jersey indeed. It's the kind your girlfriend gets you because she thinks it's so fucking cute and you can't possibly not wear for fear of all of your vagina privileges disappearing like Criss Angel's arm in a dude's ass. It's the kind of jersey she (in this case POO) gives you for Christmas and you have to grit your teeth, fight back the tears of anger/ disappointment, and give a half assed "No, no. I love it honey. It's fucking sweet. I love you. This is aaaawesome." Then, in order to keep said privileges in tact you have to actually wear the fucking thing in the goddamn arena while buying a hot pretzel and a small Bud Light. (see above photo). Now I can tell you no vagina on earth is worth this type of humiliation. But that call is totally up to you hoss. I mean fish in the sea and all that shit. I'm just bringing it to your attention. The other option is that this dude digs eating actual shit. Whether he's doing it figuratively or literally, he still doing it. Seriously. Sick bro.

For best reading please accompany with Pantera's "Slaughtered"

Pomer, oi, oi, oi!

2009-09-08T14:50:00.005-04:00

It has come to my attention people have simply not been paying attention. For example, this little beauty here breaks every single rule about jersey "customization" that you possibly can besides having like five fucking names on there or getting a bouquet of rubber dicks hot glued to the arms. The real fun here is you aren't 100% sure how it's fucked up- I'll explain. Now I know I've said it before and I know for a fact I'll have to mention it at least thirty more times (based on the unused shit I still have chilling in my in box) but you really shouldn't use a number that doesn't correspond to the player name on said jersey. That being said, and I know I'm demolishing a dead horse here, but the one known quantity we are working with here is the number 16. If you want to be a smart ass you could say that it belonged to Chris Taylor, Darrin Shannon, Mike Donnelly, Paul Brydges, Ric Seiling, Derek Smith, Peter McNab, Real Lemieux, Randy Wyrozub, Ron Anderson or Butch Deadmarsh. You would also be correct. A total fuckface, but correct. It is obviously retired for Patty LaFontaine. It is obviously NOT retired for Pomeroy, which in my approximation is either one of the standard sick jersey faux pas (the person's actual last name) or the even more insidious combo of two existing player's names on one jersey. I'll let you figure out who those two are. HINT it's not Vanek and Afinogenov. Sadly, we've already covered that one. If it's not her -and I hope it's a her- last name then it is just a little douchier because of the "Pommer" nicknamy part of it in the combo that was downright stupid to begin with. Pommer, your penance is to cram your head in one of the sewer grates near the front parking lot at the HSBC that smells like some hellish Sysyphean torment involving Roseanne era John Goodman's colon. You have to huff with your mouth open for as long as it takes one standard dude to get a large beer during the intermission. So, like about a half hour. Enjoy.

O.K., O.K., Shut up already.

2009-08-21T14:00:00.005-04:00

So I've been getting a bunch of angry emails about how I haven't posted a jersey pretty much all summer. So, here you go you sons of bitches. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I BRING YOU (drumroll) ......... Pogmothion! This little slice of heaven took a little bit of research. I would love to believe Pogmothion is just this fartbag's actual last name or a reference to his favorite Pokemon character. Alas, after burning the midnight oil deep in the bowels of the vast, Castlevania like Sick Jersey Bro archives I have discovered the stupid truth. This sick jersey is simply a typo. An annoying and unfunny typo, but a typo none the less. The correct Gaelic phrase is póg mo thóin. Pronounced in English as something along the lines of “pogue mahone”, it translates to kiss my ass. As classy and appropriate that is all by it self, it takes on an extra level of tact and refinement when you go ahead and strap it on the jersey of beloved doughnut tycoon/ horrifying car accident victim, Tim Horton. Way to piss in the collective double double of good coffee and hockey fans everywhere. It's like getting a Dan Snyder Thrashers jersey with "suck my dick" spelled incorrectly in Russian on the back -IF he owned a wildly successful restaurant chain AND had his jersey retired by his team out of respect. Very thoughtful. Very sick.

Hey, you fuckers ever heard of Facebook?

2009-08-21T13:29:00.003-04:00

Hello again. As we here at SJB prepare for the start of yet another NHL season, the decision was made to finally get down with the "Face books" that all the kids won't shut up about. By kids I obviously mean your aunt Tammy and your mom's Boyfriend Frank. Seeing as how Myspace is now just about as cool as sending someone a telegram about Friendster, we've made the move. I'm sure this will set your collective loins afire with social media anticipation. Hey, if it makes it easier for you guys to send in sick jerseys, then so be it. So, friend us or whatever the fuck they call it. To tell you the truth, I can't tell what the fuck is even going on on Facebook. I think I just took a quiz about famous poodles in 80's teen comedies while signing up for a Seth Rogan fan club and getting "poked" by a chick from my 10th grade study hall. It's like some bizarre Freudian nightmare that sends you email updates. Enjoy the rest of your summer! Just keep your fingers crossed that Pat Kane doesn't get all fucked up on the Chip strip and cave your skull in over 20 cents in loose change. Now go get em'.

GET YOUR FACEBOOK ON MOTHERFUCKER!

SICK NHL DRAFT BRO!

2009-06-26T19:54:00.003-04:00

So after an excellent little summer vacation SJB returns to briefly comment on the skull crushing excitement is the NHL draft. GET YOUR POUTINE READY! Let's be honest. The NHL draft has about as much meaning to casual hockey fans as a rerun of two an a half men. There are only a hand full of kids out there who will make any significant impact before 2012, and by then it won't matter as the surface of what we now call "Earth" will undoubtedly be violently transformed into a stark, lava raped hell scape devoid of all life- and I presume, NHL hockey. However, there are some real deal hardcore dudes out there who actually care about the draft. So here is what you need to know: John Tavares went to the Island. And yes to Bandits fans- he is related to that John Tavares. The only difference being that after today one of the two will be able to afford a 1992 Chevy Astrovan and the other is the greatest scorer in indoor lacrosse history. Word is the Sabres are aiming for either Zack Kassian, Brayden Schenn or Evander Kane. In other words a hard nosed no bullshit type grinder that can score. The bad news is that we won't see the payoff until sometime well into Jeb Bush's second term. My only hope is that our draft picks spawn many a sick jersey for our children and our children's children. Unless the Mayans were right.

Twit It or Quit it.

2009-05-07T03:23:00.003-04:00

I know full well my lack of output is troubling to many in the sick jersey bro nation. The season has officially ended (the worst way possible) and I am kind of over the whole jersey thing for the time being. If you crave more awesomeness please feel free to follow the official Sick Jersey Bro Twitter feed. It may not be all that Sabres related but it will be funny and updated all the time.

http://twitter.com/sickjerseybro

Get some.

I'm done.

2009-04-12T05:15:00.003-04:00

I love the Sabres. I love them in a way I can't explain with words. What they did this season could be best described with one word- fart. What a waste of time. This is what Big Lou is all about. A huge waste of time. I can understand that his fat Italian mother loves him. Maybe his boss at the water authority loves him. But what he is not achieving is awesomeness. We all have to act like we love a hockey team that lives in it's mother's basement. Why do we care so very much? Why do you love your uncle Stan? Because you can't be unrelated to him. This team is the skating embodiment if the new peace bridge that was never built. Just like the gaping hole in the side of what used to be the War Memorial Auditorium, We have all accepted the fact that what should be beautiful is disgusting. This Sabres team is just as bullshit as every fat loser that wears a jersey to the premier of Paul Blart: Mall Cop. I'm sure this fartface did. Good job "Big Lou". You have made a poignant and lasting allegory. You turd.

P.S. I just got the 69 joke.

What The Fuck Bro?

2009-03-19T12:07:00.004-04:00

What we have here is some fart box who is trying to ride the lucrative customized jersey blog train. With his hilarious "Jersey Fouls" my main man "Puck Daddy" is slicing and dicing the world of "fouled" up jerseys with his insightful and cutting wit. Let it be known that I claim no exclusive rights on making fun of retards. That is a beautiful gift from God that no one can take from us or have possession of (like the magic in a unicorn's horn). With that being said and with the full knowledge that Sick Jersey Bro has been at this shit for over a year, I submit to you that my issue with "Puck Daddy" is not that he ripped off my idea but in it's (much like retarded criminals in Texas) sloppy execution.
Seriously. What is the deal with the name? Jersey Fouls? Come on. Jesus. I assume this dude gets paid to write and this is what he comes up with? Why not just totally mail it in and call it Bad Jerseys? Maybe Silly Sweaters? Let this be a lesson to all the Sick Jersey Bro faithful out there that sometimes having an extra cup of coffee, rolling up your sleeves, and giving it 100% never killed anyone. I get emails all the time about my lack of updates. Did anyone break Darwin's balls about quickly cranking out The Origin Of Species? With each and every post I slave to achieve the perfection I know my intelligent, erudite, and presumably Ivy League educated readership demands of me. Let me tell you giving 110% is mathematically impossible but at least 20% is mandatory to blog. Christ, you have to give like 18% just to roll out of the rack in the morning. In this case I'd like to see the "Daddy" bump it up to somewhere around 50%. Just for starters.
Am I also the only one that is troubled by the fact that "Fouls" occur in basketball, baseball, and a number of other sports besides hockey? If the intent was to have a sports reference in the title I submit that a hockey reference would have been way cooler. Speaking of cool, I will give "Puck Daddy" some kudos for his hip devil may care look and presumably, attitude. I mean- dig the shades and cigar. It's like an in your face double shot of cool. Deftly combining the look of Stevie Wonder and the smell of Rush Limbaugh was a stroke of genius. This guy is no interweb nerd just because he blogs. Be sure of that.
I firmly believe that with the dutiful tutelage of the Sick Jersey Bro nation, we can help this lost soul. So, be a trooper and do what "P.Diddy" (that's just a bit hipper) himself suggests: email him tips and stories that he should know about at puckdaddyblog@yahoo.com. Let him know what you think, especially if one of those thoughts is that his nick name is a rip off of a dude famous for ripping off other people. Just an idea. Good luck.

I Know It's Dark........

2009-03-05T13:25:00.002-05:00

........but believe me, it blows. It's another #11 and unless it's a total train wreck of a Curtis Brown joint, this jersey is sicker Patrick Swayze. Oh, and it's a slug. This guy really has it all. The correspondent who sent this in really nailed it. With the pic he also sent this beautifully concise note:

"How fucking generic can you get? What a DOMTAR. (Factory that smells like whale fart in Johnsonburg, pa)"

I think that pretty much sums it up.

-Thanks Ryne.

Penalty Box? Really? Penalty Box.

2009-03-05T13:07:00.002-05:00

I assume this is some sort of astute commentary on Al Kotalik taking penalties. Well. It's not funny and its sucks dick big time. I'll never understand these dudes who feel it's their job to criticize the Sabres via some hilarious jersey or some shit. Why not get a totally sick tattoo of Kotalik shooting it wide? What about having your cousin Greg hook you up with a super awesome paintjob on the hood of your car featuring Max overskating the puck or giving it away in the neutral zone? Lucky for you Al is gone and you can move on to the next hilarious comment on the Sabres. I can't fucking wait. Break a leg Seinfeld.

Not Quite Sick, But.......

2009-03-05T12:46:00.002-05:00

O.K. Dave Snuggerud really played for the Sabres. And believe you me, I got just a big of a kick out of his goofy ass name as the next asshole. Without being officially sick- this jersey violates one of the main tenets of jersey sickness. Mainly, a proper player on the improper jersey. Come on dude. You know Dave never played in a slug jersey. I'm glad he didn't. I'm pretty sure he's glad he didn't either. Either way, for all the fans of classic Sabres out there, get the jersey that corresponds to the player of your choosing. Or you will look like an asshat. I guess it's still not as bad as it could have been.

NEW EMAIL ADDRESS DUDES!

2009-02-14T13:46:00.004-05:00

Please, I have been inundated with so many sick jerseys as of late that I have decided to start a new email to help with the traffic. From here on out all sick jerseys shall be sent here. Make it so.

sickjerseybro@gmail.com

learn it.

love it.

use it.

...And Lead Us Not Into Timtation, But Deliver Us From Sickness, Amen.

2009-02-12T19:20:00.004-05:00

A temptation is an act that looks appealing to an individual. It is usually used to describe acts with negative connotations and as such, tends to lead a person to regret such actions, for various reasons: legal, social, psychological (including feeling guilt), health, economic, etc. Temptation also describes the coaxing or inducing a person into committing such an act, by manipulation or otherwise of curiosity or desire.

Sounds a lot like the process of creating a sick jersey. The doubt. The lonliness. The slightly sickening rush of adrenalin. It's the kind of feeling you got when you hammered out that super fat chick that stunk of fryer grease and shorted Salem ultra lights. The lies you tell yourself to justify the horror are as obvoious and disgusting as the grimy, drenched tube socks she left in your mom's Geo Tracker. But you HAD TO FUCKING DO IT. Life is gingerly decorated with the slimy, nearly imperceptable film of these moments. I never meant to dissect this shit on this level but c'mon-that is just one hell of a sick jersey. So sick in fact, that three different sick jersey bro field correspondents sent me pics of the same dude in one night. (a first)

For the life of me I just cannot figure out what the hell this fuck face is going for. Is his name Tim? Occam's razor would seem to suggest so. But if that is the case what is he "timted" by? Himself? Is he assuming that he is "timting" to others? Is it a Connelly thing? Is his name Justin and he's actually alluding to the gnawing "timtation" he has reguarding a certian hot piece of ass in accounts receivable? You know, the one with the super tight goatee? The one he accidently brushed up against at the company party at IV Stallions and then spent seven hours in the Dave's Christmas World bathroom crying his boner away? The likelihood is that no one will ever find out. Like releasing a trophy Marlin back into the Gulf of Mexico, or saying goodbye to a loved one- we here at sick jersey bro would like to hold tight the sweet memory of "TIMTATION", and in doing so, allow this beautiful creature to truly roam free, wherever Jesus may lead him. Godspeed you georgous dipshit.

P.S. I just got the 69 joke. Well played. I see what you were going for. *slow creepy wink*

I got 73 problems and Dorociak is one.

2009-02-08T14:30:00.002-05:00

I'm really tired today. That shootout really took it out of me. I don't feel like writing shit today. So, I was debating whether to not post anything. I finally decided to just throw this fucker up and like lazy parents across the nation, let you use your imagination to entertain yourself. So. Good luck. Post some sweet burns if you think you are up to it. I'll be waiting.

Big Willy Style

2009-02-03T10:28:00.002-05:00

Here is an excellent example of a phenomena we've seen before. Thanks to my man Matt for the heads up. It's the somewhat rare nickname sick jersey. Of course your run of the mill jerkoff could simply ruin a perfectly good jersey with his God given name, but what fun is that? To all the Lefty's, Tiny's, and Big (fill in the blank)'s out there- I say thank you. Now the nickname your unemployed, alcoholic stepfather Daryll tortured you with on Christmas morning '91 can be the catalyst for untold (and undoubtedly) positive feedback from your unemployed, alcoholic bar league volleyball team. One side note to the nickname crowd out there clamoring to hit the Sabres store and get your "Grumpy" or "Shitneck" jersey or whatever, make sure you:
(A) Use a slug jersey. They suck the most.
(B) Use one of the most famous numbers in Sabres history if you want it extra sick.
Dominik Hasek works great as BIG WILL here was kind enough to demonstrate. Now really go out there make us all proud you glorious retards.

Calcadora the Explorer

2009-02-02T23:08:00.004-05:00

As per the Yahoo online English- Spanish Dictionary:

Calc a dor (-do ra) - m. & f. (person) tracer, copier m. (instrument) tracer

Inflected Forms:

calcadoras - femi
calcadores - masc

To be honest I'm not totally sure how that definition applies. Maybe it's that he's copying a shitty thing he saw done to a jersey. Either way, this beauty came to me hot off the presses from my man in the Honda Center in Anaheim. Word on the street from the 'heim is that Sabres sick jerseys are everywhere. Like for real. Apparently due to the lack of a primarily deep fried cheese, deep fried meat, beer, shots of Crown, and deep fried dough diet, Cali Sabres fans are far quicker (and thusly harder to photograph) than their Buffalo counterparts. Luckily the flight of the Calcador (after pounding a shot of wheat grass and some pan seared ahi with garlic asiago pea snaps) was preserved in all its So-Cal Sabres Glory. To be honest, I'm just super pumped that there are tons of Buffalo dudes representing in the 714. HOWEVER. That does not mean your sick jerseys still don't suck mucho burro schlong. They do. bad. So there.

CAPTMAYHEM!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-01-31T11:52:00.003-05:00

Woah! CAPTMAYHEM is carrying the torch in the tradition of great Cap'n's such as Crunch, Stubing, Obvious, America, and Ron. With his steady hand upon the wheel of clinically idiotic decisions, CAPTMAYHEM steers the good ship Schlongbreath on a true course to the safe harbor of the last row of the 300's (on the end where the Sabres shoot once). What most average civilians may not know is that prior his promotion to CAPT, he was better known as LIEUTENIANTCOMMANDERPANDEMONIUM and previous to that, ENSIGNDISORDER. As you can see he has really moved up. This has everything to do with his uncanny ability to combine the innate discipline, structure, and order of military service with the "mayhem" of rooting for the Sabres, making shitty custom jerseys, and drinking airline size bottles peppermint schnapps behind the half finished casino on the opposite side of the parking ramp before the game with some party animals he met online. WWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! FFFUCKKKHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Winter Storms Warning!

2009-01-31T11:36:00.002-05:00

What with the oppressive and seemingly endless snow and cold we have experienced lately in the Buffalo, now seems like the right time for a cutesy theme post! What do the weather and this sick jersey have in common? Can you guess the tie in? If you said both are exactly as cool as sliding a small glass rod in your urethra and then smashing your penis with a cinder block, you would be correct! Congratulations!

Yeah. That says Yashin.

2009-01-25T16:13:00.002-05:00

What could possibly explain this? Was this whale fart huffing diesel fuel? I never thought I would say this, but (deep breath in) I really hope that's their last name on the back of that Vanek jersey. Because if it's not....... That's just fucking retarded. One of the biggest disappointments in NHL history. That's bad enough. It's like that tub of shit you see walking into Buffalo wild wings with a Ryan Leaf jersey. Except its on a Bills jersey. And it has barf with tiny chunks of Cheetos on it. What amount of baby shaking produces a brain capable of such tomfoolery? Yeah I said tomfoolery! I am freaking the fuck out. Listen. I'm gonna make a cocktail and sit down for a minute. Just continue to stare in awe. I have nothing else to say.

P.S. I lied. This jersey should be set on fire and put out with a fifty gallon drum of hobo piss. Now I'm done.

Best dad #1!

2009-01-07T01:03:00.002-05:00

As all real sick jersey fans know, we have seen the #1 dad. This shit isn't like that. This is the #1 BEST dad. WAYYYYYYYYY different. This is the single greatest father to ever walk the earth. Now, I understand that if I were a father and my children bought me this jersey, I would be moved and cherish the thought behind the jersey. But who the fuck are kids to rate the excellence of anything? They are innately inexcellent. They think mac and cheese with hot dog chunks is the best meal humans can muster. Kids can barely keep themselves from eating crayons. The truth is, you only have one father. If he's cool, he's John F. Kennedy meets Zeus times Voltron awesome. How can we really trust them? But what if "best dad" bought the jersey for himself? Is there a real chance of that? Could you, in good conscience, wear a jersey that said ACCOUNTANT #1? To be sure, it's just shitty to brag. Even if you believe it is true. But BEST ACCOUNTANT #1? Wow. That is a leap. BEST DAD #1. So, out of every dude on the planet, this dude is the best dude who has had children................ever. Congrats best dad. You are sick as shit.

Ritz bitz.

2009-01-04T17:43:00.004-05:00

Can you believe this either? It is totally sick. Maybe the sickest ever. It's a triple on one dude. I can't tell if this or the recent trip Dubke is superior. I'm leaning towards this fartbox. I mean, even by conservative estimates he's spent around $500.00 putting "Ritz" on three different eras of Sabres jerseys. Not to mention he committed the cardinal sin using Perrault's number. They don't let other players use that number. Now doing Hecht like that is one thing. But Gilbert. Come on Ritzy. you are sooooooooooooooooooooo sick. (On a side note, do you know how hard it is for me not to make golden, buttery, flaky cracker jokes?) Henceforth, let all other other pretenders know that your personal sick jerseyness pales in comparison to the "Ritz". Maybe the sickest of all time.

NEWS FLASH! Time Travel Achieved!

2009-01-04T17:19:00.006-05:00

Is that.....It..........OMG! It IS! Its the Great One! #99 HEWRYLCZAK! Not to mention his boy M.Harvey! Holy fucking shit! Did these dipshits fly through some 1999 time warp to the glittering and metropolitan Buffalo of ten years later? Listen guys, We have a black mayor, a black president, and our colors are blue and gold again. I'm fully aware that's a lot to take in especially because I can't drive to Cleveland without bitching and moaning like a three year old, so I can only imagine what the rigors of time travel can do to you. In the case of HEWRYLCZAK, well, what can you say? Putting that name on anything seems like a bad decision. It looks like a phonetic translation of the noise Saddam Hussein made when they hung him. and M. Harvey? Is there a S. Harvey or D. Harvey we should be on the lookout for? I actually would prefer a Paul Harvey jersey but no one younger that my Grandma would get the reference. Either way, thanks for the clarification and the history lesson about sick jerseys of yesteryear.

What is it?

2009-01-04T16:59:00.004-05:00

At first glance you might think what we have here is the return of "Lovas" from a few months ago. You would be tragically wrong. This is a great example of how the simple "hooded sweat shirt" or "hoodie" as the kids call it, is the enemy of properly enjoying a good sick jersey. Is it Lovat? What about Luvat? Who the fuck knows? I personally believe the word of Sickjerseybro.com has spread and they are begining to retreat in shame. Either that or it was cold or some shit. Grant Ledyard is still very, very dissapointed in you. *wagging finger*

A Win(chell) Win(chell) situation!

2009-01-03T16:24:00.003-05:00

Assholes are hitting doubles and triples like Ricky Henderson up in this motherfucker lately. I'm convinced that It's only a matter of time before we see a five banger. Like a whole team. In the case of the Winchells here we see that they both dig the slug, went for a "home and away" motif, and both have apparently never heard of Pat LaFontaine. Is this like a new right of passage for newly married couples in the Western New York area? I think it goes like this: Meet at Macaroon's, Get Married, buy a house in Cheektowaga, get matching sick jerseys, shit out the next generation of sick jerseys. They are seriously everywhere. The best part is that they can't see how preposterous it looks. Here is my equation for sickness: (Pat LaFontaine's number) + (jersey he never played in) + (Your own name x2). But like Gandhi said, “Anyone who sees and paints a sky green and fields blue ought to be sterilized." Uh, oops, actually that was Hitler. My Bad.

Rollin on DUBS!

2008-12-27T22:17:00.003-05:00

It's been done! Fuck me. It's been done. A motherfucking triple. You have to be fucking kidding me. In the tradition of such all time great doubles such as the Mecca's, the Woodcocks, and the Cottrell's- I proudly present you with the first documented sickjerseybro exclusive TRIPLE! Thank you Dubke family. Turning a Dubke into a sick TRIPke. You made my whole fucking year. It's a Christmas miracle. These dump huffing clown farts have no clue how truly rare and precious their idiocy is. And why the numbers? we could speculate all day. Seriously. Take a deep breath and seriously LOOK at these assholes. Perfection.

cuteness?

2008-12-20T18:32:00.002-05:00

Is that a reference to her or Vanek? Either way, the whole thing stinks. It's strange, though. That is Tomas's XBOX live ID when we play CoD 3 and totally pwn n00bz. T.V. is totally 1337.

Pakachoag. Excuse me.

2008-11-29T18:43:00.002-05:00

Total mind blower. It actually made me vurp a tiny bit when I looked at it. There is something about it that makes me physically uneasy. A literally sick jersey. Gross.

La-La-LAME.

2008-11-29T18:33:00.001-05:00

Jesus Christ. You have to be fucking kidding me.

Cottrell bros!

2008-11-29T18:02:00.002-05:00

As previously explored with the Woodcocks and the Mecca bros., getting sick is often a family affair. I will give these dudes big points for partying under the thruway before the game, but their innate sickness in undeniable.

Surefire way to retain resale value.

2008-11-29T17:57:00.001-05:00

Has anyone else seen this cruiser? I love it (minus the slugs). Go big or go home. I want to see this dude's house.

Mr. Lovas Lovas

2008-11-29T17:46:00.001-05:00

*loud wet fart noise*

Half and half.

2008-11-29T17:41:00.003-05:00

Wikipedia: "Half and half" is a common phrase used to describe a prostitute's service where time is allotted equally to two sexual acts; typically fellatio followed by vaginal intercourse.

That about covers it.

See, Walter.............

2008-11-29T17:31:00.002-05:00

So as not be confused by the thousands of other fetal alcohol syndrome sufferers named Walter who like the Sabres AND have never heard of Tim "china doll" Connolly (as per his Wikipedia entry) my man here has added a "C". Thanks. It looks good. No. Really. I'm pumped dude. Sick bro.

Kuhaneck yourself before you wreck yourself.

2008-11-29T17:12:00.002-05:00

Wrong font + Wrong colors + Wrong numbers = Sick jersey bro.

CHUNX!

2008-11-29T17:05:00.002-05:00

I can almost back this. It's funny every time you see it. It's like the Naked Gun of sick jerseys.

SABRES? ORLY?

2008-11-29T16:43:00.004-05:00

This is stupid. You have a jersey on already. The entire reason a Jersey exists is to signify what team you're playing for. It has such innovations as team colors, team logos, and distinctive striping patterns so as to achieve said differentiation. Simply, we know it's a fucking Sabres Jersey. And we can infer that you are indeed a fan of the Sabres. To put the name of the team on the back is (in the words of the 13 year old kid that I overheard the game) "gay as shit dude".

Shitty info.

2008-11-29T16:39:00.002-05:00

What is happening here? I bet Mr. Drew Stafford would not find this funny in the least. Is it some sort of Staff burn? Is it supposed to be funny? Is it supposed to be clever? Is this fartmouth Japanese? One thig is sure. It is sick.

Home made is only better for food.

2008-11-29T16:35:00.004-05:00

What we have here is a full on home made joint. If you cant't see, the numbers are hand stitched and uneven. Mega ghetto. To tell you the truth I don't know if not having a name on there makes it better or worse. Just sick.

I know I know.

2008-11-29T16:31:00.003-05:00

I know what you'll say. It's a dude in a Bruins jersey. However. I have been known to make exceptions. First, this toolbag has Ray Borque's number. Second, Corky was the retarded kid from life goes on. Third, I thought this dude was pissing into the area where the kids shoot the pucks around. O.K., so he was doing one thing right. I'll give him that.

Let's get to work.

2008-11-29T16:25:00.001-05:00

There gentlemen fall into the same (fairly popular) designation. Asshole faces.

Again.

2008-11-29T16:19:00.003-05:00

My most humble of apologies. I have been deluged with work lately and the thoughtless asshole I steal WiFi from must have moved his router because I can't get internet for shit. So from now on I'll just concentrate on getting the shit up when I get a chance and keep the lengthy commentary to a minimum. After all it's all about the sick jerseys.

WOODCOCK²

2008-11-13T18:29:00.003-05:00

Stay with me on this one. I know it's blurry. What we have here is a mega rare double Woodcock. All juvenile sexual innuendo aside, FUCKING WHAAAAAT? I mean, suck me sideways. This is like a total double cream dream for everyone here at the scenic Sick Jersey Bro offices. My personal assistant is fucking losing it. That dude Jared who fills our RED BULL® cooler literally pissed his pants. Not since the celebrated work of the Mecca bros from last season have we seen a two pronged attack of this magnitude. Seriously. There are two grown, hopefully married adults who thought it would be just fine to cruise around in matching motherfucking Woodcock jerseys. so sick bro.

My Man Mitch.

2008-11-13T18:10:00.002-05:00

Mitch! Mitch! Mitch! At least the jersey choice is correct. I guess this fucking goof gets filed under the "If you're going to do something wrong, at least do it right" category. AND you didn't use a real number. (Unless you count Biron for like 34 seconds.) So this is a good example of the least offensive type of sick jersey out there. It's a solid 40% better than your average sick jersey. And as a message to all those who seek the sickness, I say: don't ruin this for me! Continue to get slug jerseys with Rob Ray's number and like, i don't know, "clownturd" on the back. What? SAY IT! be proud! Embrace your sick jerseyness.

Fucko!

2008-11-13T18:09:00.000-05:00

No fucking number. No fucking way. Sick. Bro.

A humble recognition of a job well done.

2008-11-08T17:39:00.003-05:00

I have to at very least say thanks to my man Pat (and I think some of his boys) who have been sending me a TON of fantastic jerseys. Keep up the truly sick work!

Anglo Oriental?

2008-11-08T17:13:00.008-05:00

Check out the "Anglo Oriental" spirit rug from the NHL online store. What the fuck is an anglo oriental spirit rug? It sounds like some sort of vaguely religious artifact. Is it anything like a native American dream catcher? Because I know all to well what those are. They catch native American dreams. However, this slugged up abortion barely qualifies an actual "rug" not to mention oriental rug. And as a Caucasian I take offense to this anglo bullshit. Can we just leave race out of our shitty $70.00 door mat conversations? That's right $70.00 for a fucking doormat. I mean I don't go around running off at the mouth about our Anglo African President elect, and that's actually a big deal. So. To sum up this special racially charged rug review edition of sick jersey bro- if you bought this rug you are as bigoted as you are mentally retarded. Congrats. Oh, and sorry McCain lost bro.

You Make the Call!

2008-11-08T16:46:00.002-05:00

Is this cool or not? I love the jersey, I love Brad May, and lets be honest-1993 is pretty God damn cool. But can you commemorate a moment in time with a sick jersey? Why not just get a Brad May jersey? I don't think I back it. However, in an uncharacteristically magnanimous move on my part, I will allow for sick feedback on this jersey. Let me know where you stand.

Me, Ted.

2008-11-08T16:41:00.002-05:00

I just assume I don't have to say anything. Right?

Why the fuck not?

2008-11-08T16:06:00.004-05:00

First, I realize that dude's name is probably Ebert but I'm also just as certain that this asshole is fully aware that there is a very well known movie critic with the same name. If your last name was Letterman or Winfrey you would have to know how confusing and just plain stupid it would look on a Sabres jersey. The salsa on this hot pube burrito is the fact that he went ahead and used the hallowed and universally untouchable number of the "Great one" Wayne Douglas Gretzky. As avid SJB fans may know, I already covered this topic in an earlier post. These jerseys are my favorite. Just a total clusterfuck of bullshit. What a total waste of fucking time and money. Sick.

P.S. I purposefully omitted any thumbs up/down reference. Please feel free to insert your own hilarious thumb based jokes.

HO LEE SHIT.

2008-11-01T18:31:00.003-04:00

Do you go for the obligatory weight joke? Do you question it's sex? Do you speculate on the smell? NO. You address the jersey. And this one is possibly one of the most fucked up train wrecks anyone has ever seen. O.K. I LOVE R.J.- that being said, why denigrate his service to our country with this puddle of bloody Sasquatch diarrhea? It's like saying, hey- I really like my dad. I'm going to get his picture lazer engraved on a petrified dog turd. And 550. Wow. Schopp and the Bulldog could probably do a QUALITY two shows on this thing. That's just how good they are. The could speculate on where it was lettered, pontificate on the origin of the concept, Bulldog could use his razor sharp stammering technique and Mike could shout like angry child and belittle callers in that way only he can. I can just hear the classic radio announcer bit KILLING on this one. Long story short-sick jersey. Maybe one of the sickest ever.

P.S. the smell has to be somewhere between sauteed human hair and the socket amputees put their stump in on prosthetic legs. Plus piss soaked Doritos.

P. Mair(ish)

2008-10-31T15:11:00.004-04:00

Is this dude's angle that his name is so close to Mair or that he is so inherently "Mairish" that he has to differentiate himself with a "P"? So gross. I'm running out of adjectives for these dump huffers. Hey, Pete! Paul! Patrick! Whatever the fuck your name is! Do everyone a huge favor- take a page out of Mr. Shyamalan's playbook and change your first name to "Night".

2 Princes(s)

2008-10-30T20:13:00.003-04:00

"Woe to you, my Princess, when I come... you shall see who is the stronger, a gentle little girl who doesn't eat enough or a big wild man who has cocaine in his body." - Sigmund Freud

Yes. that is an actual quote from Sigmund Freud. What does it have to do with anything at all you may ask? Not a God damn thing. But there are three things we can learn here.
1. This jersey sucks big dick.
2. If you're a 36 year old woman and you own ANYTHING with the word princess on it (including car window decals featuring a silhouette of Italy) you really need to stop that shit.
3. Sigmund Freud was a sick fuck. A sick fuck who loved blowing lines and either beating or raping anorexic princesses. Sick father of psychoanalysis bro.

Sick sick jersey sickness!

2008-10-30T18:29:00.002-04:00

For those who don't think sickjerseybro.com is a real phenomena check out this real ass sign at the Sabres opening win against the Montreal Canadiens. Now, I know what you're thinking- I got all shitfaced under the I-90 overpass before the game on warm red dog pounders and peppermint schnapps and got my hands on a roll of hockey tape. WRONG! Or at least half wrong. I did't tape shit. This was done by honest to God fans that I had no idea existed. Good job assholes! I'm so pumped/sympathize for/with you! Keep up the questionable work!

I've been around the Uhlenbrock a few times.

2008-10-30T18:21:00.003-04:00

Dudes, this shit is on for fucking real. I've received more re-fucking-dick-u-fucking-lus jerseys in the first few weeks of this season than I ever dreamed could ever even exist. I'm super busy right now but you deserve to see this bullshit. So, I'm on it. Go Sabes!

Sorry dudes.

2008-10-29T13:09:00.001-04:00

But not that sorry. I've been super busy lately and haven't had time to update shit. However, I have a TON of super sick jerseys. No shit.

Finally. It Begins.

2008-10-09T23:20:00.004-04:00

Fucking finally. It's on for real. Signaling the start of another Sabres season, I humbly submit to you the first official sick jersey of the 2008-2009 NHL season! And what a shit biscuit! I mean.... what? Presuming you are a fan, or at least enough of a fan to go to a game and to blow $150 on a jersey, you must have at least heard of Rob Ray. No? Really? Not even on the Sabres T.V. coverage? No, huh? well. How about on all of the shitty ads? The billboards? The other shitty cable access show he did with Barnaby? Seriously no? Wow. Well, he doesn't deserve this horseshit Meddaugh. So cut it out. Rob seems like a good guy. He took a hell of alot of shit to make that number cool. All you had to do to disgrace it was blow $87.75 on draft beer at Chili's, go online and make one regrettable purchase. So do the right thing an give that abortion a viking funeral on lake Erie so as not to let the whole season be infected with the douchebumps I have right now.

Possible thirds you say?

2008-09-08T16:44:00.003-04:00

Wow. is that it? it's strange that is has no secondary logos but who knows? Either way you look at it it's better than the slug jerseys for sure.

Fill my eyes with that double vision

2008-09-02T19:44:00.004-04:00

Hey! Can you believe this? I damn near shit my pants at the final Bisons game of the year when I ran across this gem. Actually- ran after this gem. He walked all over the God damn stadium before I could get a clear shot at him. But boy was it was worth it. Like dropping out of high school or telling your drunk biker stepfather to "go ahead and take a fucking swing Daryll"- seeing the same dude in two different sick jerseys is a once in a lifetime experience. Now I bet dollars to donuts this fartbag has a Bills, Bandits, and possibly Buffalo Stallions Jersey waiting in his mom's closet. This dude is like THE sick jersey bro. So if you see bro with other gear on, take a deep breath and follow him around for and hour and get a sick pic for me. Sorry. For all of us.

PUCKDROP! AAAAHHHHHH!

2008-08-20T14:27:00.005-04:00

The Buffalo Sabres announced today they will be unveiling their new third jersey on Saturday, September 20, as part of “Puck Drop 2008” at HSBC Arena. If you like obnoxious 3D SportsCenter-esque graphics injecting colors, info, and presumably lazers into your brain, you'll love PUCKDROP 2008! Don't like that one? BOOM! Here's more!

Judging by these ads for the puckdrop one can only assume they are going to drop the living shit out of that puck. I hope it's like when the jumbotron fell from the rafters except this time it'll be a puck the size of a small brick ranch in West Seneca instead of an eight-sided, $4-million scoreboard. DROP THAT SHIT! (insert "disturbed" riff) and lets get totally pumped for another season of sick Sabres action, bro.

Sick Thirds bro.

2008-08-18T17:53:00.001-04:00

As per the great Icethetics blog:
This was posted on the Buffalo Sabres' official web site on Thursday but I figured it was worth mentioning. The Sabres have officially announced their intentions to unveil a vintage style third jersey at a team event on September 20. The following was pulled directly from their site.

When the Sabres hit the ice for their first full practice of the season, fans will get their first look at the team’s new third jersey that will make its debut during the 2008-09 NHL season. The jersey features a modernization of the team’s vintage design elements, while incorporating the latest in sports uniform technology. Fans will be able to pre-order the new jersey at a kiosk in the Sabres Store.

Nothing really new but it's another official statement from the team. We've already had that date in the countdown for a while.

Keeping it current.

2008-08-13T11:22:00.005-04:00

So yeah. Is it that people have such blind faith in the Sabres ability to win the cup every year or do they get one jersey for each year? Do you then wear two year old jerseys simply to reminisce? Where is your red and black '05 lockout jersey? How about an '86 jersey to commemorate our sick .400 winning percentage? I'll bet you are at Al Ross right now getting this year's model Fleissnered up as I speak. Cut that shit out. Get a Miller jersey and stop this silly bullshit. Really.

The flesh is chic, but the mind is wailing.

2008-08-08T15:18:00.004-04:00

Most excellent. If you have recently perused the front page of sabres.com, you may have seen Mr. Drew Stafford partying hard with Buffalo's own Every Time I Die at this summer's Warped Tour. I have it on very good authority that the jam was aww-sem. Partying for real and doing Buffalo proud. Lets hope sick, radical conduct like this rubs off in the locker room. You hear me Joken? I want to see you down on Allen autographing the sidewalk with a loose blend of Jagerbombs and Jim's Steakout.

Great news indeed!

2008-08-06T14:38:00.007-04:00

As per some info obtained from multiple sources (including my boy Charlie at Sabres not slugs) the Sabres are preparing to debut their reworked third jersey design for the upcoming season. All signs point to a fantastic amalgamation of new and old showcasing the classic Sabres logo. This is the mock up of what the logo may look like:

And a mock up of the jersey:

Charlie from sabresnotslugs.com also adds:

"Notice there are indeed silver elements in the sabre handle and bordering the circular part of the crest. Well I have been thinking long and hard and truly believe that this picture as bad as it is (referring to another earlier, low res picture), to be authentic.

I also confidently expect the following elements to be added:

1. Dark Blue to match the current jerseys (not a big surprise for most)
2. Front Numbers
3. Front tie-up laces

This will be introduced as an Alternate jersey. Note it cannot be called a vintage uniform anymore because of the distinctive elements not present in the royal blue 1970-1996 version or the 2006 Royal blue alternate."

This is fantastic news for SJB as this will mean a explosion of mental defectives buying new fangled blank 3rds and rendering them useless immediately with their own names! I'll be patiently waiting!

Swanny!

2008-07-21T19:41:00.002-04:00

There it is. Let this be proof positive that if you wait long enough opportunities will present themselves. Much like the 90210 reunion Ol' Swanny here was well worth the wait. I've got to tell you my man Swanoids was at the Seneca Niagara casino and he was shredding the slots. As you see in the pic he's eying up the next victim. What he failed to eye up was the mirror as he effortlessly waltzed out of his primo comped hotel room. I have to believe he failed to look at the calender as well- seeing as how it's the middle of fucking July and Swanzy thinks it's full on custom Sabres jersey time. So here's to you you glorious fucking bastard. Hit the piss out of the quadruple progressive blazin' 7's platinum Kenny Rodgers "the Gambler"edition touch screen poker. Oh and when you get around to it, apologize to Petr Svoboda, Kevin Haller, John Tucker, Mike Donnelly, Dale McCourt, Randy Cunneyworth, Rene Robert, and Cliff Schmautz. Oh also make double sure you say you're sorry to Rick Martin.

Mecca lecca hi mecca himey ho!

2008-06-23T19:29:00.007-04:00

You just have to believe in the power of positive thought. As you may already know- summer is the slow season around sick jersey bro. You may also know that my summer time is precious. I have so very much in the works at any given time. From my various commitments to judging local strawberry festivals, volunteering for homeless dogs with cancer and rigging corn eating contests- all the way to being forced into Milwaukee's Best power hour on Zeke's porch with four or five ladies best described as filthy street whores. I never know what's next! Luckily, when I'm not waking up behind the dumpster at the Pink I occasionally run into a tiny little gem like these dingleberries. You know, I pray and I pray. And I will be God damned if Jesus don't pull the most tits moves when you least expect it. Now you know the deep, abiding love I hold in my heart for the shitbirds with custom jerseys. Sometimes I think, dude. How could these assholes get any sweeter? Well Jesus emphatically answered "check this shit out, bro!" and slapped me with the with the Mecca Brothers. Not one but count em two. How could you EVER, EVER, piss all over the beautiful original white home jersey by using shitty screen printed letters and numbers IN THE WRONG FUCKING COLOR AND WRONG FONT! douche. You might as well buy a blank and wipe your ass with it. Then your inbred brother finds your jersey so fucking hot he can't help but blow $150 on a slug jersey and make it even more reprehensible by "Mecca-ing" it all up like big bro. But how could you not? He always set the standard. Who was the first one to smoke weed in the pines behind the greenhouse? Who told that faggot Red Lobster manager Patrick to fuck off that one time? Who bought that fuckin' awesome ball python from that dude at the fair? Big bro Mecca-maniac that's the fuck who.

Check out my guest blog!

2008-05-22T21:00:00.007-04:00

I did a little thing on a great blog called Sabres not slugs. Its a blog that's all about defeating the slug. Talk about a guy that gets it!
CLICK HERE SEE WHAT I WROTE ON SOME OTHER DUDE'S BLOG!

Well, heck Mrs. Cleaver- I thought it was just swell is all!

2008-05-08T17:50:00.003-04:00

As church lawn fete season rapidly approaches and warm summer breezes gently waft the sweetly caramelized cheerio kissed air over the 190, thoughts of all things Sarbes wane ever so slightly. To be totally honest I haven't seen one good jersey to write about in two months. Luckily for the readers being well prepared is almost as crucial to SJB as being drunk enough to actually enjoy a game of Kan-Jam™. So into the vault we go! Where to start? How about with this flaming train wreck? Seriously. I mean, wow. To start, he got Miro Satan's number. Miro Fucking Satan. Undoubtedly one of the laziest Euros in the history of sandbagging, heartless, spineless, goldbricking, slacking, scrimshanking Euros. Miro makes Alxei Yashin look like a coal mining longshoreman roofer. The only proof you need that Miro was one of the lamest Sabres of all time is that my man's name is fucking SATAN. You know, like Lucifer the prince of darkness. However he chose to pronounce it SHIT-TAN. Talk about going a buck sixty out of the gate and cranking the parking brake for no reason. And what is the deal with the antiquated T.V. character call back? Is it because you remind people of a poorly written, unfunny, uninteresting, irrelevant, obnoxious stereotype from before your mother was born? LOL! ROTFLMFAO! What an immense waste of time and money. All on a slug as well. What a treat. The best thing about this jersey is that there is absolutely no conceivable way this jersey could get any worse. Good job douchetard. Sick jersey bro. Sick.

Take it away Keeteroids..........

2008-04-28T21:19:00.003-04:00

Yo! Stemy, wait up bud! Fuck, sorry I'm so out of breath. I had to chase you all the way down the stairs. Hey listen man, I was right behind you in the bathroom a few minutes ago waiting to use the shitter and I couldn’t help but notice that not only didn’t you flush but there was no toilet paper in the toilet. how seriously dirty is your asshole right now? Oh is this your wife? Hi I'm Keith. Hopefully you don’t plan on reverse cowgirl tonight. O.K. Stemy, I'll see you later man.

Marlies and me!

2008-04-21T14:39:00.003-04:00

In an effort to reach out to the international minor league hockey community we here at Sick Jersey Bro have acquired an official Toronto Marlies (the Maple Leafs farm team) correspondent. Her name is Sarah and she's doing a bang up job. As you see She went above and beyond to get us a truly sick "crusher" #69 jersey. What a fucking stupid jersey. Notice first the delicately nuanced sexual reference. Don't see it? Look closer. AH HA! Sixty nine! Fuck me. That is rich. That is really something. By the way - what do you think he "crushes" exactly? Maybe he just "crushed" any hope of escaping the dead end stock job at the Lastman's Bad Boy in Mississauga. Or perhaps he just "crushed" a full tray of cold lasagna in his mom's basement while loudly weeping about that whore Brenda. Maybe we'll never know. What we do know is that thanks to Sarah we have our first international sick jersey and if I play my cards right a place to crash in the T.O. when I get "crushed" up in Can-an-a-da. You hear me Sarah? I'm fucking serious. I swore to myself I would never squat under the Gardiner Expressway with crusty squeegee punks again.

What starts with an O and sucks (besides Oprah)?

2008-04-21T14:19:00.006-04:00

You guys have proved that there truly is a lot of hate out there. The most statistically significant portion of which is reserved for the (drum roll played on my desk) Ottawa Senators. As one of the Sabres faithful I join all of you in saying fuck Ottawa! Eat hot penguin shit. Especially Chris Neil. Oh, and everyone else on the team. BTW, Philly can suck my balls too.

Toronto 12%	12%
Ottawa 32%	32%
Carolina 24%	24%
Rangers 16%	16%
Philly 16%	16%

Where's Jer Bear?

2008-04-14T19:22:00.008-04:00

There is a lot going on in this picture. Please allow me to give you the tour. As far as I can tell the sloping blur in the foreground is just one of the hundreds (maybe thousands) of dudes who thought Connolly could stay healthy enough to justify the purchase of a jersey. Unfortunately Timmy shattered his skull applying aftershave and missed most of the season proving the blur wrong. (or something like that)
For those who are unfamiliar, the red 3rd jersey is not a "custom" or a joke. Steve Heinze really played for the Sabres and really wore the number 57. No Shit. Yeah. I know it's not funny. "Because of his last name, Heinze requested to wear #57 (as inHeinz 57 ketchup) with the Bruins. However, the Bruins denied his request. Instead, Heinze wore #23 in Boston. He was granted #57 when he joined the Blue Jackets and he wore it for the remainder of his NHL career."

Now the number 13 in the center is a bit more interesting.In the 1974 entry draft, whilst with Buffalo, Punch Imlach deliberately selected an imaginary Japanese center, Taro Tsujimoto, supposedly of the Tokyo Katanas of the Japanese Ice Hockey League, in the 11th round (183rd overall). Only after weeks had passed did the league discover that Tsujimoto did not in fact exist. Imlach later revealed that he had played the prank because of his frustration with the excessive tedium and length of that year's draft proceedings. Today, the league officially records the 183rd selection of the 1974 entry draft as an "invalid claim". Funny? Maybe, bro. I'm actually pretty on the fence about any cutesy horse shit like this but I'll give this one a pass because it takes a knowledge of obscure Sabres trivia to even think of that. It also has a sweet bonus because the idea of a hockey player from Japan is fucking hilarious. (P.S. I know there are Asians in the NHL but they were born in North America) (P.P.S. Paul Kariya's dad is Asian and his mom is white. This officially constitutes the first confirmed and documented case of reverse "yellow fever" in North America. Look it up smart ass.)
And what about "Jer Bear"? Well, this is the tootsie roll center of this post.
God damn it. I get that your name is Jeremy or Jerry or Jerome or something like that. And I guess I get that at some point someone in your life decided that your name needed a little extra. I really hope it was your girlfriend but I'm far more inclined to believe it was your uncle Craig or one of the dudes you "work out" with downtown. On Saturday nights. While you're blasted on contact cement and white zin. Either way, this shit don't fly dawg. The only way it might even begin to be acceptable is if you earned the nickname "bear" actually disemboweling a grizzly with your bare hands. The sad truth is that it probably just refers to your stellar combo of coarse, greasy body hair that goes from stem to stern and moobs that would make Bruce Villanche seethe with girlish jealousy. Listen. You look a little thin to be considered an actual "Bear", but keep dreaming. On the plus side, you have a totally sick jersey. Bro.
For all the "bears" out there like Jer, I give you the musicalstylings of "Bear Force One" one of Jer Bear's favorite bear bands.

"These go to eleven."

2008-04-06T15:58:00.003-04:00

I really had no concept whatsoever how many ass hats think they can wear (or apparently don't know about) the number 11. For all of the reasons I have so eloquently stated in previous posts, this is 100% unacceptable. However seeing a poor, misguided soul in a #11 jersey was the impetus i needed to start this thing. So i owe them something as a group. Add to that the fact that I do have a real sense of wonder and pity when I see this shit going down. It's like watching Nickelback perform. At one time you feel both seething white hot rage that this could be happening and a confusing sadness that Chad Kroger is a ball hair away from considered legally retarded in Ontario. So here I am. Angry, sad, and ultimately confused. Add to this that the Sabres not only failed to make the playoffs but decided to hand a beat down to the Bruins (including a fucking J.T. SHUTOUT!) when it couldn't matter less. I'm depressed. And this clown penis in the 11 jersey isn't helping things.

Rollin in my six fo'

2008-03-31T12:37:00.004-04:00

What the fuck does that say? I'd love to make fun of it but I have no fucking clue what it says. So here's the deal- someone figure out what the deal is here and get back to me so I can do this thing correctly. Sick.

Sixty-four is:

In some computer programming languages, the size in bits of certain data types
In chess or draughts, the total number of black (dark) and white (light) squares on the game board
64 is the name of the premier Russian chess magazine
The code for international direct dial calls to New Zealand
The designation of US Interstate 64, a freeway from Missouri to Virginia
The designation of U.S. Route 64, a highway from Arizona to North Carolina
The subject of the Beatles song "When I'm Sixty-Four"
The registry of the U.S. Navy's aircraft carrier USS Constellation (CV-64)
The number of Braille characters in the old 6-dot system
In 8-bit home computers, a common shorthand for the Commodore 64
In video games, the Nintendo 64 video game console and (historically) the Commodore 64. Since 1996, the number 64 has been an abbreviation or slang for Nintendo 64 (though N64 is more common)
The maximum number of strokes in any Chinese character
Number of hexagrams in the I Ching
Number of sexual positions in the Kama Sutra
Number of demons in the Dictionnaire Infernal
Slang term referring to a 1964 Chevrolet Impala, often configured as a lowrider, a popular subject among early-90's gangsta rap and today very popular in Dirty South H-Town rap, eg. by rappers such as Paul Wall, Mike Jones, etc.
The number of classical arts listed in many Indian scriptures. They include: singing, dancing, painting, poetry, playing cards, making arguments, making flower garlands, etc.

It is, however not an acceptable number for a Sabres jersey. Unless you happen to be David Moravec who played in an astounding ONE game for the Sabres in the 99-00 campaign rollin in his six four.

Yo, PAGE me bro!

2008-03-25T15:50:00.003-04:00

This shit sucks. I mean. Wow. I just caught a sick glare off of those cheap, shiny, dogshit screen printed numbers. Ironically, 1985 was the last time you could pound your velcro Roos on the pavement wearing shit like this and not get garbage thrown at you. I just plain don't like this fucking thing. We all know 85 is first and foremost a football number.(all apologies the the great Petr Klima) If it wasn't long sleeved you would think it was a fucking Jack Youngblood jersey. You know, with PAGE on the back instead. Except Jack Youngblood recently placed 1st among all athletes to ever wear the number 85 by SI.com. Page recently placed 1st among the other Applebee's bus boys in his fantasy hockey league on SI.com. not much of a difference, but worth mentioning.

This time on Kulpa's Secret Stashe................

2008-03-24T15:34:00.004-04:00

Now this is a move I can get behind. Just think about it for a second. What is Max's biggest problem? He seems to be too fucking fast for his own good. A stash like this could add enough drag that he could actually finish. It's like having a tiny parachute screwed to the back of your skull. The added benefit is that this is one of the most terrifying mustaches in history. (behind only Hitler or possibly Wilford Brimley) That combined with Max's deep, rumbling Russian timbre is downright hard as fuck. I mean dude's name is Maksim Sergejevič Afinogenov. If you ran into a motherfucker with a name like that any time before 1991 you would totally expect to be drugged, flown to a gulag and have your ballbag hooked up to a Volga battery. What's more is my man's not afraid to tho dem thangs if he gots to. Remember when he straight up flipped that dude over? Anyway, get with the program Max. We need you to grow this fuckin soviet push broom A.S.A.P. До свидания.

Hit him up at www.carlesswhiskers.com

sickjerseybro.com presents..........

2008-03-22T14:29:00.005-04:00

This time in Keeter's Corner we explore #13 "Rompy".....

One time I worked at a car wash and I told this guy I would call him “iceman” if he would restock the ice every morning. You know how many times I actually called him iceman? Zero. You know how many people refer to this guy as “rompy”? ONE. That person being “rompy”. Bro, when that dude at work told you he’d give you a “cool” nickname if you would not tell anyone he asked you to borrow a dong bag so he could slay the intern on his lunch hour, he was making fun of you. Nothing like perpetuating a joke about yourself that you aren’t even cool enough to be in on.

NEWS ALERT!!!!!

2008-03-20T01:38:00.004-04:00

My friends Keeter and Kulpa are gonna add some flavor to this bullshit blog. So look out for some really beautiful happenings. K dawg is gonna do Keeter's Korner, and Kulpa is gonna do his "secret stashe". If you were smart you would read it. If you were a god damn genius, you would get it tattooed on you .

Hide the women and NONGILLOC the doors.

2008-03-19T12:18:00.004-04:00

I just don't even know what to say. Nongilloc sounds like either the name of a great leader of a newly discovered nomadic cro-magnon clan or a shitty transformer that never made it past the Hasbro focus groups. As far as the 96, well who the fuck knows? Maybe it's an homage to NHL '96 from EA sports. I hope not- '94 for genesis is the best hockey game ever made and everyone knows it. Possibly it celebrates the glory and the majesty of the '96 Atlanta Olympics. I like to believe it celebrates the fact that humans share 96% of their genetic code with chimpanzees. I believe what we see here is an example of the majestic Slug-fronted North American Hominidae Nongilloc. He exists somewhere in the twilight between man and chimp- living only to slake his simple, primitive thirst with cheap draft beer and mark his territory the only way his brain has yet devised- "customizing" a Sabres jersey. Notice the telltale striping along his elongated fore arm...........................dammit! He slipped away back into the dark primordial mists of the chip strip!

The results are in! Again!

2008-03-18T15:24:00.003-04:00

Unlike Florida or Michigan, here at SJB your votes count!
The most unacceptable retired number to get on your Sabers joint is as follows:
Pat Lafontaine 54%
Tim Horton 37%
Rick Martin 7%
René Robert 3%
Danny Gare 0.00%

The big surprise for me here is the ice fucking cold Danny Gare response. While not having giant numbers, he hustled his balls off and his number is retired as shit. Not one vote? Really. You guys are cold. I also have my suspicions that the Tim Horton vote is mainly based on a confusing blend of delicious coffee and human blood streaked across the QEW. For 90% of Sabres fans under the age of 35, telling Robert and Martin apart is about as important as knowing the difference between Peter Lawford and Joey Bishop. All anyone gives a shit about is the chairman of the board. And seriously, Patty LaLaLaLaLaLaLaLafontaine is just a stone cold man. My friend Crystal actually got a pic with him after a game a long time ago. He was wearing sweats and he had a visible, full on boner. That's how much he loved the game- he played at all times with a total robo chubber. A winner in any contest.

Stop looking around, we've found him.

2008-03-17T12:44:00.005-04:00

Who would have thought that out of all the fathers in the U.S. (66.3 million) that the #1 dad is a Sabres fan? After conferring with Prof. Dmitry Panchenko (instructor of 18.443 Statistics for Applications at M.I.T.) I've discovered that's a 1 in 66.3 million chance. You actually have the same statistical probability of laughing at the Craig Ferguson show. The issue here for me isn't the jersey per se, (although it sure sucks) but the concept of #1 dad merchandise in general and even more the dude who proudly rocks it. 99% of all dudes rocking the #1 gear are clueless blue collar shlubs who got a shitty mug (or tie, medium sweatshirt, etc.) for Christmas. For Joe lunchpail it might as well say "shark rapist"-they've never read the goddamn thing and the Sanka tastes fine either way. However, a jersey is a touch more conspicuous. This guy wants you to know he is fucking number fucking one. He's made a conscious decision to broadcast this opinion via Sabres jersey to the millions of sub #1 dad masses. How do you quantify a thing like fatherhood? It's like saying I've got the #1 most mystical boner in the world. Actually, that's a bad example. After re-conferring with Prof. Dmitry Panchenko- at least one person agrees with me. My point is, if you were actually the #1 dad you probably wouldn't brag about it like a douche or you automatically lose the title. I would just personally enjoy a #4 dad jersey. At least a dad this in touch with his limitations is better prepared to raise kids that won't put something shitty like #1 dad on their own jersey in the future.

I'll let this one go.

2008-03-15T20:55:00.003-04:00

I know, I know. There isn't a #77 on that Sabres and hasn't been since Chris Gratton. Unless this is some misguided Pierre Turgeon fan, all indications point to some dude putting his own name on this thing. (with a captain "C" no less) However my man gets a full pass because this is the sweetest fucking thing I've seen in a while. It's also kind of wrong to put a current or former player's name on a jersey that doesn't exist. This is exactly what the Sabres should do with the new jerseys. Fuck the slug. It's downright embarrassing. How can we make this happen immediately? God damn that looks excellent.

inappropriate tribute alert!

2008-03-15T13:00:00.003-04:00

Oliver Cromwell (25 April 1599 – 3 September 1658) was an English military and political leader best known for his involvement in making England into a republican Commonwealth and for his later role as Lord Protector of England, Scotland and Ireland. He was one of the commanders of the New Model Army, which defeated the royalists in the English Civil War. After the execution of King Charles I in 1649, Cromwell dominated the short-lived Commonwealth of England, conquered Ireland and Scotland, and ruled as Lord Protector from 1653 until his death in 1658.

Cromwell was born into the ranks of the middle gentry, and remained relatively obscure for his first forty years, slipping down to the level of yeoman farmer for a number of years in the 1630s before returning to the ranks of the gentry thanks to an inheritance from his uncle. A religious conversion experience during the same decade made an Independent style of Puritanism a core tenet of his life and actions. Cromwell was elected Member of Parliament (MP) for Cambridge in the Short (1640) and Long (1640-49) Parliaments, and later entered the English Civil War on the side of the "Roundheads" or Parliamentarians.

A brilliant soldier (nicknamed "Old Ironsides") he rose from leading a single cavalry troop to command of the entire army. Cromwell was the third person to sign Charles I's death warrant in 1649 and was an MP in the Rump Parliament (1649-1653), being chosen by the Rump to take command of the English campaign in Ireland during 1649-50. He then led a campaign against the Scottish army between 1650-51. On 20 April 1653 he dismissed the Rump Parliament by force, setting up a short-lived nominated assembly known as the Barebones Parliament before being made Lord Protector of England, Scotland, and Ireland on 16 December 1653 until his death. When the Royalists returned to power in 1660, his corpse was dug up, hung in chains, and beheaded.

THIS MAKES ME WANT TO FUCKING BARF.

2008-03-14T14:14:00.008-04:00

Listen. I know it's not a Sabres jersey but it is somewhat Sabres related- and we just beat the piss out of them so I ask you this: Can you even kind of believe this bullshit? It's like one of those Highlights for children pictures where you have to pick out things in a picture that are fucked up. Except in this picture everything is Jeff Conaway fucked up. This is the visual equivalent of huffing jenkem. Admitedly, I am supremely biased against the President* and the ass clowns that killed the Hartford Whalers, but look at this horse shit. Have you ever seen a larger gaggle of grinning, self satisfied, deluded mongoloids? The only real question I have is who gave Joe Camel the authority to hand anything to the President* of the United States? If he were to be cleared to do so the only thing being handed over should have been a mellow, satisfying box of Camel lights. And what the fuck is George laughing at? The fact that there is a statistically significant percentage of the dog population that could out preform him in any number of standardized intelligence tests? Fuck this whole fucking thing. I just want a picture of Ryan Miller handing a number 44 jersey to Barack Obama. Oh, wait thats Anderj Sekera's number. Actually, he would look great in a Sekera jersey. Because getting your own name on the back of a jersey is for losers. (as I make an "L" with my right hand and hold it up to my forehead)

*It is a substantiated fact that Bush stole the 2000 and possibly the 2004 election. If you don't think so, go get a bush jersey.

Is my jersey to bootylicious for ya babe?

2008-03-13T01:59:00.008-04:00

This post has been edited due to a grievance filed by Reverend Guy. I now think the "bootylicious" jersey is just great.

Photo: Beez!

You want a team with more "grit"?

2008-03-12T18:14:00.004-04:00

Then we need everyone on the whole team to grow these fucking things. My man Kulpa over at www.carelesswhiskers.com has imagined a dream scenario I think we and all embrace. Let's get a petition going to get every one of the Sabres to sport a Tom Selleck fattie so we can truly attain the "grit" fans and pundits alike seem to love so very much.

Mail bag bro!™

2008-03-12T14:54:00.010-04:00

Time for a new segment here at sick jersey bro. Mail bag bro!™ As you know, I carefully sift through all reader submissions and love each and every one like the children i never knew I had and were then mailed to me. Our very first Mail bag bro!™ letter comes from Tim. He writes:

YOUR FAGGOT WEBSIGHT
fuck you you fucking faggot, what does your jersey say "complete queer", find me at a sabres game you pussy, yeah thats what i thougt

For all of the readers information, I contacted both Al Ross and Sorrentino's sports and both flatly refuse under any circumstances to put the name "complete queer" on a jersey. If they would it might look something like this:

I'll also say that I don't think the back of a Sabres jersey is the proper place for that kind of personal commentary unless "Kotalik" is some sort of gay pride slogan in the Czech Republic. If this is the case I'm sure the proud statement being made by many Sabres faithful is at the same time as accidental as it is courageous. In truth, my jersey says Tallinder. This is actually an ancient Norse word for "bestowed by Odin (Óðinn) with a unit that is not unlike a tube sock full of piping hot maple sugar oatmeal". Bear in mind that is a rough translation as English is sadly unequipped as a language to handle the brutal beauty of the ancient Norse tongue. Thanks for the thought provoking question Tim! So to everyone out there in SJB land, keep the comments and questions rolling in. More importantly keep the sick pics rolling in. I've already got some difficult decisions to make. Just make sure it's a sick jersey, bro.

The night has a thousand eyes!

2008-03-11T00:05:00.002-04:00

Yes indeed it does and we see clear evidence here that at least two of those eyes were behind a camera at tonight's shootout loss to the Rangers. The Sabers let this one go but made a possibly crucial point towards the playoffs. On the other hand, my man Piatkowski (I think) made another point of his own. He doesn't give a shit about Drew Stafford. I know some of you will say "cut him some slack, you handsome devil." Maybe he got it before Drew got assigned to the big show. True enough. Then that means the doesn't give a fuck about Radoslav Hecl, Mike Hurlbut, Mark Astley, Scott Thomas, Christian Ruuttu, Richie Dunn, Claude Verret, J.F. Sauve, Dave Schultz, Ron Schock, Brian Spencer, Ron Busniuk, John Gould, Hugh Harris, Terry Ball, Larry Mickey, Larry Keenan, Paul Andrea, or Jean-Guy Lagace. One of the nineteen. you pick.

P.S. Identities have been masterfully computer altered to protect the innocent.

Photo: MB in the place to be.

Stay golden Ponyboys!

2008-03-10T23:52:00.003-04:00

Once again, for your listening pleasure................I give you.....................A bunch of Japanese children that are most likely better than you at every single thing you can do. This includes classical music. Which, let's be honest- you suck at.

The results are in!

2008-03-10T23:06:00.004-04:00

Unlike the hellish democratic primary process the votes here at SJB have been counted and a clear winner has emerged! With a delicious 43% of the vote- having your own name with an established number is the worst combination. In a close second is dried piss stain at 27%, own name own number at 16% and in a shocking last place finish: own name no number with 8%! You know what this means. I owe K-Man a slight apology. O.K. ......Here goes. Dude. Sorry about the K-Man blast bro. I guess it's not the worst thing you can do to a Sabres jersey. I'll give you the respect you deserve for not using say, Perreault or LaFontaine's number. I am not Pope level infallible and I'm secure enough to let the world know it. So to K-Man I say sorry, kind of, and congratulations on being the best of the worst!

The great debate rages on!

2008-03-10T13:42:00.005-04:00

Since the inception of sick jersey bro i have read many angry emails and threads posted all over the place debating the self jersey issue. Let me be the one to set this straight. "Customizing" your jersey is first and foremost a personal choice much like enjoying brussels sprouts, a fondness for Thomas Kinkade's "light" paintings, or the recreational murder of the homeless. However, no one is 100% bad. Look at the good stuff Hitler did. Besides being perhaps the most evil human being ever he also invented the autobahn, was a vegetarian, and helped design the Volkswagen Beetle. So if I goof on your jersey get over it. It doesn't mean you are not a caring father or a good God fearing 'Merican. Get one if you want. Wear the shit out of it. With out you I have nothing to write about on my site. I personally find the "slug" jerseys one hundred times more unacceptable of a transgression than the self jersey itself. Of course, to me this means the self slug (with a vintage number) is like watching a horrible crime go down in public. I can not simply remain silent. I just report what is going on. However, continue the debate. I find it entertaining.
P.S. It's also important to realize it's a fucking joke, bro.

image credit: Some dude on the sabresspace.com forums

Merry Shelley's Frankenstien

2008-03-09T16:58:00.003-04:00

Wow. Another Shelly. I'll begin by saying I can't substantiate any relation between today's Shelly and #32 DALESHELLY from a few days ago. I would love to irresponsibly speculate, though. These bros have to be tight. In fact, there is a good chance there is a whole clan of Shellys cruising around the HSBC munching dip n' dots and buying blank jerseys that they can then "Shelly up" later. The other slightly disturbing aspect of this submission is that dude is wearing a purse. I have it on good authority that it is in fact a dude. I took the picture. Now, he could be holding the purse for his girlfriend(and future Shelly) or possibly his current wife who is carefully removing nacho cheese from her Shelly jersey. The only other option is that we have discovered a dude named Shelly who carries a purse. Who also happens to not remember/thinks he is Pat LaFontaine. In either case, sick jersey shellbrah.

Check out Mütze rip that jam German style, bro.

2008-03-08T15:32:00.002-05:00

He's shirtless. He's German. He's slaying the piss out of the Sabre dance. Khachaturian would be so proud. So here's to Mütze, the official shirtless German Sabre dance slayer of Sick Jersey Bro.

Quite the peculiar phenomenon indeed.

2008-03-08T14:15:00.008-05:00

For some reason the number 11 seems to be very popular. Unfortunately it shouldn't be if your own name is tagging along. Now I don't know if this is the byproduct of ignorance or arrogance, but it must stop. Gilbert didn't score 512 goals and 814 assists for 1326 points in 1191 games so you could steal his thunder, Seymour. Let's do a quick comparison shall we?

Gilbert Perrault

Tied for 70th for most games played with 1191.
Holds franchise record for most goals and points with the Buffalo Sabres.
Currently 30th in all-time goals scored.
Currently 23rd in all-time assists scored.
Currently 26th in all-time points scored.
Won the Calder Memorial Trophy in 1970.
Won the Lady Byng Memorial Trophy in 1973.
Named an NHL Second Team All-Star in 1976 and 1977.
Chosen to play in nine All-Star Games in (1970–71, 1971–72, 1973–74, 1974–75, 1976–77, 1977–78, 1978–79, 1979–80, 1983–84).
Ranked number 47 on list of the 100 Greatest Hockey Players by The Hockey News.

Dude who uses #11

Possibly played some hockey including buying the small plastic sticks at the Sabres store and making a ball out of a sock and duct tape.
Has eaten every permutation of the main dish/2 sides combo at the Friday's near the mall.
Avid WGR 550 listener and caller who still holds some animosity for Schopp and the Bulldog viciously snubbing his call during the "NHL hall of fame rejection committee"
Most likely has adopted some Jim Rome lingo into his vernacular cleverly masking his own shocking lack of nicknames for Omaha and Cleveland.
Currently holds four (expired) sneak preview passes to the hilarious Will Farrell comedy "Semi-Pro" that were obtained from some lady's cousin in accounts receivable.
Remains distraught about his 1998 divorce from that cunt Kathy.

Clearly my main man Gil is as talented as he is accomplished and deserves the reverence and respect bestowed upon NHL hall of fame inductees and bad motherfuckers in general. If you still have a hard on for the number 11 put it on the side of your 2003 Hyundai Elantra and pretend you are Denny Hamlin. (I had to look that up) Wearing the number may also anger Santiago. For all I know he thinks it's his and won't stop short of a steak knife in the lungs to keep it that way.

Check out this sick jam, bro.

2008-03-07T15:45:00.002-05:00

These dudes slay! Check out how laid back the lead ripper is. My man knocks insane 1960's trim up out the box! Go Sabres.

The Great One!

2008-03-06T20:11:00.004-05:00

The initial appeal of this photo is that it looks kind of like one of those blurry sasquatch pics. It actually might be equally difficult to reconcile the belief in mythological humanoid bipeds as it is to believe someone had a ballbag big enough to use WAYNE GRETZKY'S motherfucking number. Forget the fact that the number is retired by every team in the league because my man fucking owned so hard. You should just know better. It's the same discerning cognitive ability that keeps most human from eating their own shit or not fucking their relatives. Or putting this on a Sabres jersey. Truly sick jersey, Morley.

Photo: B-Radical.

Proof that Darwin's theory was tragically flawed.

2008-03-06T19:59:00.005-05:00

Well, well, well. I'll give this dude some slack. Firstly, his name is clearly Dale so NASCAR is most likely his main source of sport-ish entertainment. I'll even ignore the fact that the Sabres wearing red and black was one of the dumbest things to ever happen in Buffalo after the metro rail to nowhere-and this clown can't let the magic die. But putting your whole fucking name on the back of a jersey and using Rob Ray's number is like calling him night and day and begging him to cave your skull in till your I.Q. is below room temperature. Dude. Sick. Jersey. Bro.

Photo: Murderous Dave XXX

YOU GUYS WANNA SEE A TRAINWRECK?

2008-03-06T19:46:00.003-05:00

Now I know this isn't exactly someone's name But this dude deserves his due. Holy flying fuck where do I even start with this asshole face? First off not being able to pick between Vanek and Afenogenov is just plain stupid. To do this with $155.00 is like wiping your ass with singles and making a shirt out of it. Plus it vaguely seems like a Soviet vagina reference. The only justice this retard gets is that wearing the jersey is it's own penance. Cheers, fuckface.

Photo: D-NICE

What do you think about '93?

2008-03-05T02:45:00.000-05:00

When you think of 93 what does your mind conjure up? Are you like me and think of the Montreal Canadians winning their 24th Stanley Cup? Or do you think of White House counsel Vince Foster committing suicide? Possibly you see Colin Ferguson opening fire with his Ruger 9 mm pistol on a Long Island Rail Road train, killing 16 and injuring 29. What you should think when you see 93 is apparently Simmons. Not Russell Simmons or "Rev run" Joey Simmons, But HUGE Sabres fan #93 SIMMONS. Shit rocks.

THIS IS THE TARGET!

2008-03-04T14:23:00.000-05:00

What you are looking at is a meticulous computer simulation of what the real Santiago's jersey looks like. It was submitted by huge Santiago admirer and former witness Billy G. Do not be mistaken and think I don't still need a real photograph. This is simply the sweaty rag you wave in front of the bloodhounds. Sightings seem centered around the Tops on Grant St. and radiate out as far as Chippewa St. If you party around there for Sabres games keep a keen eye peeled. For that matter, if you any suspicious self- jerseys feel free to send them in. P.S. Dude. Look at that fucking thing. I think my simulation was pretty spot on.